Because Rally Car, right?
So you've seen the picture now, there's no undoing it. I took everything that I was told about the WRX's capabilities as a rally car and an overall tough bird, and I threw it all away. Some of you may be wondering what would come upon a man to do such a ridiculous thing. Some of you might be wondering why the Subaru above doesn't have camber plates and stance.However, most of you are probably wondering why nobody ever took my WRX away from me for being such a monumental twat.
Like any good story, I should start from the beginning. I'm not going to Tarantino any of this shit and confuse you. So a young, oblivious clot (lets call him "me") stumbles his way out of the back door of a Pizza Hut, just getting off his morning shift delivering pizzas in a WRX. He turned it on, fumbled through his iPod for his Jason Mraz song, and revved the engine so he could hear the sweet sound of a turbocharged boxer running through a straight pipe (get at me, State Department.)
As he let the heavy scent of the buffalo wings he had stolen waft through the cabin, he had eager anticipation at the thoughts of what he could do with the rest of the day. At the time, none of those thoughts included mudding.
He made it roughly 4.2 miles from his place of employment before coming upon two large pits of the side of the highway. It was slightly drizzly and he had the whole day still under his feet. But, none of those things really mattered. He had always wanted to get his Subaru properly dirty, because god d***it that's what you're supposed to do.
Mudding? Group B Rallying? Close enough. Same thing to the untrained brain. If Ken Block can do it in them Gukihammer videos, than so can I. So, he pulled off the highway and headed straight for a slap in the face. From personal experience, I can tell you of two questions that never once entered my mind. Even better than that, I can tell you the answers:
What are my tires like?
Street tires. You're running on street tires, you fool.
What condition are my street tires in?
I'm switching back to first person now. I'll take off the vail of mystery. It's me. I'm the mop from this story.
After heading for the first pit, it was everything that I dreamed of. The car slid right through with the ease of slick ice. The AWD made it safe and hugely predictable as I drifted around construction equipment. Mud was flying from the wheel wells and strangely barely touching my car. The last bit is crucial because being a proper clot, I wanted my WRX so barely be silver so I could impress all of my friends with my brazenness and rugged manliness.
It was great. It was safe, exciting, and greatly at the expense of the construction crew's disgust the next day. It was the bunny slope of mudding. And like most bunny slopes, I got bored and tried a new hill.
Enter Pit #2
Don't let this image fool you. That's f***ing quicksand. If only I had known.
I enter in, balls-deep, ready to blast my way through the Pearly Gates blaring Foreigner. I pedal to the floor about halfway until I get that feeling many men, and only men, get in the bottom of their gut.
I decide to bail with my pride and integrity, but God still has to smack some sense into a certain incompetent pizza delivery guy. I gun for a small opening in the tree-line that could possibly take me back to sweet, sweet pavement. But sadly, I don't have the luxury of grip. Eventually, by the magic of Subaru AWD and speed, I make it near the end and come closer to civilization and one less story idea for OppositeLock. As I approach my ticket home, I see two concerning obstacles on either side of my exit. On my right, I have a frayed-off chain-link fence that I may be about to hit, and on my left, I have a rather large cinder-block pillar with the potential to take away my next paycheck.
With my car's and my bank account's safety now in the air, my driving tone went from balls-to-the-wall rebel-heart mountain-man to slow-and-cautious tax auditor. Word of advice to everyone, don't ever pick the latter, and here's why. I made the one mistake you don't ever do when mud is involved.
I slowed down.
The rest is history. I slowed down and.......thunk. "Okay, now what?" I crawl through and over the backseats and put on my big rubber boats. Seriously, thank tha lawd Jesus I had those on deck. And, I get out and survey the severity of my idiocy.
I take one step out and....thump. Down to my knee. Like I said, it was f***in quicksand. The shit was so thick and deep I, and others, found ourselves pulling ourselves out using the roof rack and roof rails.
After a rather long walk-around, damn you quicksand-mud, I shuck it off as 'not-that-bad' and step back in my car about to attempt to Jeremy Clarkson my way out of my catastrophe.
Now I'm further in the quicksand-mud. Great.
I consider my options. Luckily, I'm only about 9 miles from my house, so by dinnertime I should in the bottom of somebody's well. Also luckily, the first person I thought to call with a truck was about 400 miles away that day. So, I perched up against the car for a think (the first one I had all day.)
I called a friend with a truck who gladly helped me in a time of need. After bringing over his F-150 to the scene, we tied it up to the tow hook on the back of my Subaru.
Spinning tires, from the Ford.
He came by to check the hook and....flumph. Sunk down to his mid-thigh (he's a bigger guy than I) Damn you, quicksand-mud.
After an amount of time longer than I'd like to admit on the Internet, we called an actual adult who owned a 2012 Dodge 3500. Surely, that would pull me out like I was a kid on a sled. Nope. The new Dodge Ram uses an electronic 4x4 system that gets flummoxed by the sight and mud and decided it should get stuck roughly five feet into the pit. Thanks a lot, Dodge.
For good measure, we decided to rope the Dodge to the Ford to Subaru. Rope-ception. Surely the brute force of two 3/4 ton 4x4 man-machine pickups could pull a dintzy little Subaru-wagon out of some dirt.
Spinning tires, from the Ford and the Dodge.
This quicksand-mud was looking for a sacrifice, but it wasn't going to get it today. We quickly used our redneck cunning and in typical redneck fashion, it was convenient for us and a huge pain-in-the-ass for everybody else.
The gentleman with the Dodge 3500 also owns a number of rock-crawler Jeep Wranglers equipped with the proper tool for my predicament; a winch.
One problem remained; it may not appear so in the picture, but the front of the Subaru was beached on the mud so hard you couldn't fit your pinky in between. #LowAsF***kkkkk. So I, and I alone, had to break out the handy hoe and shovel and dig out the front of that bitch myself. Once said bitch was dug out, I attached the winch end to the sway bar and hoped for the best.
+Now, before I get comments about that being bad for the car, 1) You're right, it is. 2) We had been at this venture for roughly 4 HOURS. We were all tired and hungry. 3) I was sick of getting rained on for the past four hours. 4) Because F*** it 5) Because Dumbass
However God was not going to let us off that easily. Clearly, I had learned anything yet, and I had been far too lucky with the resourceful friends I know, so I needed a nice curveball thrown at me; a real puzzler. So the winch turned on and...
The Jeep was being pulled into the Subaru.
As some of you may know, rock-crawler Wranglers are very light vehicles. Some say they're lighter than 04 Subaru WRX Wagons. Some people are right. But luckily, redneck cunning comes back into play.
With four grown men standing in the back of a Wrangler and hoped for the best. After three different brushes with pulling off the front bumper, we were finally successful. The WRX was unstuck, and it way past dark out and I bid the quicksand-mud a nice f*** you.
I bought dinner that night. An expensive one.
Some of you may be interested in what happened after I escaped the quicksand-mud. For those of you who have mudded before may know, I have a excessive amount of wheel wobble. About six times through the manual car-wash and a good three hours of just scooping mud from underneath was involved, and only then did the car look exactly the same as when I started.
Damage List -
- Car Washes: $8.75
- Oil Filter: $5.00
I'm just as shocked. I expected real damage to my bank account.