Tonight, we celebrate my most hated, but most actively respected brand of all time. A brand that my family runs on, and employed me for 2 years. Arguably one of the most important car brands of all time. Tonight, we celebrate Cadillac. Lets start this off right.

Have some tunes. See? You feel that? Thats swag mixed with class with just the right amount of sleaze thrown in for character. That is straight up Lacville. Crushed velour and all. The song that took you there was 85 Barritz BRO-HAM by Action Bronson.

There’s just the right car to set the mood off right. A beautiful malaise era Brougham (broam, as I say). See that gold grille? Those wire wheels, those Vouges? See that burgundy vinyl top? and that gold hood ornament? Do you see those winged crests in the indicator lights? Do you know what that is? That’s the american dream. That vehicle, right there, is the american dream incarnate. Everything George Washington, Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and even John Adams fought for……’s right there. I gotta say, a lot, not all, mind you, but a lot of Cadillac owners I’ve encountered have had a unique sense of pride about them. Like, they know in their hearts that what they drive is the best in the world. They know that benzes are far better quality-wise. They know that BMWs handle way better. They know that Lexus has better residual, and that Audi has better tech. Cadillac owners know that Jaguars are beautiful works of art that their looks can’t even dream of touching, or that Land Rovers are far more capable. But you know what? None of that shit even fazes them. Cadillac owners couldn’t give less of a flying fuck about how much of that actually adds up to. Cadillac owners just know, in their heart that their Cadillac is the best car ever assembled. And although it sounds like I’m being condescending and petty, I’m really not. I genuinely love Cadillac Pride. It’s something that you could only feel growing up in america. Cadillac Pride is just another form of Patriotism. And it’s a form that almost everybody can agree on. Cadillac owners get this pride, because a Cadillac is something that is programmed in american culture to strive for. Every single Cadillac buyer has worked for that car. Shit, next to me being born, my maternal grandfather’s most treasured day was when he got his first cadillac- a 2008 SRX with literally every option and extra cost and package tacked on. I’ve seen space ships less loaded than this thing. And it was his boyhood dream, to own a cadillac. Music Break.

Anyway, I grew up pretty poor, but since my mom and stepdad have been together it’s always been a cadillac household. Right now, in our driveway there is a black 2012 CTS Coupe, a black 2013 ATS, a black 2014 XTS, and blue 2012 Hyundai Sonata with 3 pedals on black steelies with a dashboard hula girl, “well hung” leather scented air freshener, and a “necrophillia goes both ways” bumper sticker because fuck subtlety. ANYWAY, cadillac household, yeah, The first car I ever drove, like, in my life, ever? 2007 CTS Sport/Lux 3.6.

Everything wrong with cadillac, is everything right with cadillac.

I guess I don’t hate them that much after all.