This is something I've been wanting to put into writing for a while, as a longtime car nerd. These are the irrefutable truths of cars, as far as I am concerned. These are gospel. These are science. You will never be able to convince me otherwise.

THE FIRST LAW OF HOONAGE: There are no boring cars, there are only boring drivers.

Think about what a car is, nothing specific, but the platonic ideal of one. A car is a large metal object, propelled forward at great speeds by dinosaurs which are exploding thousands of times a second in something comparable to a self-reloading cannon battery, an electromagnet being spun by enough electricity to kill you dead or, in the case of rotaries, unicorn farts and witchcraft. The idea of a car is an exciting thing, and these are qualities shared by all of them. Unless it's steam powered, and then it just makes Jay Leno late for work.


Cars are special, wonderful things. All of them, no matter how "beige" they are. Sure, some are more wonderful than others, but nothing is truly boring. What is boring, however, are drivers. Put someone who gives a shit into a Prius, they can still find a way to have fun in it. People who don't care about cars would make a Group B car boring. This is because:

THE SECOND LAW OF HOONAGE: If it has wheels, it can be hooned.

Cars, motorcycles, bikes, Power Wheels, Lawnmowers, Segways, unicycles, golf carts, Cozy Coupes, red wagons, anything. Doesn't matter what it is. Hoonage is always possible when wheels are involved. This is a concept so simple, I don't really need to explain it further.


THE THIRD LAW OF HOONAGE: The ideal amount of power a daily driver should have is just slightly less than what it needs.

Power is awesome. There is no denying that. Power equals speed, speed often equals fun. But most of the time you are behind the wheel, speed also equals tickets or reckless driving convictions. This makes hoonage on the street not just difficult, but dangerous and illegal.

There is, however, a way around this, drive an underpowered car. This is the true secret to driving happiness. A car with too-little power is a car that must be driven hard at all times in order to actually get anywhere. It is a car that will give you everything it has, and in return, your commute will become a form of motorsport. You will be an active participant, whether you like it or not. And you will like it. You will like it with every fiber of your being. Every stoplight becomes a dragstrip, every corner or hill becomes an exercise in momentum preservation. The rev limiter will be your best friend. You will be getting groceries like Ayrton Senna and nobody else will have any idea. You will be smiling so big everyone will think you are crazy. But you are not. You are just in love.