Forgive me Oppositelock for I have sinned.
Above is the pinnacle of Oppositelock dreams and aspirations. The E63 AMG Mercedes Benz Wagon. A 5.5L V8 engine that oozes out 577hp. This is the car that dreams are made of. Ferraris, Corvettes, Mustangs, Aston Martins, and even the beloved Miata all must relent to this great beast and her power. Yet, I still do not like the German battleship. Now before you get the pitchforks and guns to chase me off this wonderful website hear me out. I want to like the wagon. I really do but the E63 along with all other wagons seem redundant and rather pointless.
Here on Oppositelock we have rules. Rules that must be silently enforced to keep peace in this great community of ours. Yet I sit here before you today in my mediocre seat located in my cramped college dorm room and I ask you...why?! Why must, "All things be wagons!" Why must beautiful designs like the Stingray Corvette be morphed into the monstrousty that is the Stingray Shooting Brake?!
Such an aggressive design with a slopping rear end chopped off and turned into a wagon of all things. I beg of you! Explain to me the joy in this! I cannot wrap my head around the excitement of wagons.
I am a millennial and I grew up in a household with SUVS. The wagon to me always seemed to be a soccer moms car, much like a minivan. They were practical, utilitarian, and compromised. Wagons have neither the beautiful lines of a sedan or the rugged practicality of an SUV. Instead they represent a compromise of two different worlds.
Sure some wagons have rugged capabilities and have all wheel drive and that's great. Sedans have those same capabilities and they still manage to look better. Furthermore sedans still have the wonderful driving characteristics graced by the gods of engineering. I know wagons are rare in the American landscape and that makes them quirky, however are they not rare for a reason? The idea of the wagon seems to be dying off. Perhaps that means they are flawed in some way.
Take for example the 5 series GT. This horrendous beast is not a wagon per say. Never the less common buyers identify it as a wagon and it kills the segments reputation. To me wagons will always have the ethos of being a mom car. I would love for someone to change my mind. Wagons like the CTS-V seem to have so much charisma. A sedan CTS-V still tugs at my heart strings more though. The sedan seems more sporty, faster, and altogether more fun.
Same goes for Porsche Panamara. They are obviously fast and brilliant, but the shape. My God the shape! It makes me want to cut out my own eyes. Even the performance variant doesn't seem at all worthwhile. A Cayenne is taller so you have commanding view of the road. They are just as practical if not more. Finally the Cayenne had mind bending performance. After driving in one I thought to myself, "Physics must have taken the day off."
Are wagons loved because they are sleepers? They sit silently at a stop let and then suddenly you murder the jerk in the rice burner sitting next to you? That I can find the appeal in. But a sedan can do the same thing. A sedan can do it faster as well because they are lighter. It just seems in even category a wagon can be upstaged by some other form of car. Therefore Oppositelock as a confused, stupid, 19 year old kid enlighten me. Why are wagons the most Jalop of cars? Why must we lust after a segment of cars soccer moms drive on the weekend? Please I beg of you explain it to me.
Jarod Rose is a car loving freak. He occasionally like to write articles on Oppositelock and he is a sophomore in college in Ohio. And for the life of him, he cannot understand the wagon fetish everyone seems to be infected with!