Sometimes I wonder if cars could hypothetically play professional football. Other times, I’m actually being productive with my life. But for now, let’s look at the former. It’s a lot more fun.

DeAndre Hopkins: Ford Focus RS

Photo credits: footballperspective.com, Road and Track

The Focus RS isn’t all that big, but it is powerful, nimble, and one of the most exciting cars available today. It has a button for something called “drift mode”; how cool is that? I could watch the RS shred its tires on a track for hours. The same goes for DeAndre Hopkins. He’s a walking highlight reel on and off the field.

Philip Rivers: Nissan NV Passenger Van

Photo credits: CBS Sports, cars.com

With seating for 12, it’s the only vehicle that could possibly fit his entire flock of children.

Advertisement

Donald Stephenson: Chevy Silverado

Photo credits: Denver Post, Jalopnik

Stephenson can move around a lot of mass, like a truck. He also left rival Kansas City to join the reigning Super Bowl champs this offseason. The Silverado has trailed the F-150 in sales for years. Additionally, and despite a large marketing campaign against it, Chevy has announced that the truck’s future involves an aluminum body just like the Ford’s.

Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Sponsored

Kenny Stills: “Funny Car” Top Fuel Dragster

Photo credits: FOX Sports, dragracingonline.com

Kenny Stills ran a 4.28 second 40-yard-dash at the combine and is a deep threat whenever he’s on the field. He’s really fast in a straight line, just not really good for anything else.

Ryan Fitzpatrick: A Lease

Photo credits: sportingnews.com, Jalopnik

The Jets didn’t want to make a long term commitment to Fitzpatrick this off-season and signed him to just a one year deal. That’s sort of like leasing a vehicle; it’s a trial run. If it ends up being a lemon, you can just get something better when the contract is up.

On the other hand, you’ve just thrown a lot of money at something that doesn’t build equity for any future plans. If you want to keep it, it’s going to cost you even more.

Of course, in this case, they are leasing a vehicle that was new in 2005 and is pre-owned by 5 other people.

Mark Davis: Youabian Puma

Photo credits: AP Images, Top Gear

That is one ugly sunnovabitch.

Josh Gordan: Grey-market import Skyline

Photo credits: clevelandbrowns.com, Road and Track

Due to some questionable legislation, these two were banned for a long time. But now, they’re back and they’re legal. We know they were good before, but it’s time we find out if they still measure up to our high expectations.

DeMarco Murray: Land Rover

Photo credits: sportingnews.com, classiccarstodayonline.com

Ahh, Land Rover: the iconic company that gets passed around by larger companies like a doobie at a Dave Matthews concert. Ownership has moved between British Leyland, BMW, Ford, and now Tata Motors.

Murray starts his new campaign as part of the Titans organization, his third team in as many years. It’s only a matter of time until these two get moved again in order to meet fiscal targets.

One thing is for certain, though: they will continue to kick ass no matter where they are.

Vontaze Burfict: A Volkswagen Diesel

Photo credits: ESPN, Fortune

Simply put: the dirtiest players in their respective games.

What car would your favorite player be?