Cars are not football players; football players are not cars. But what if they were?

Russell Wilson: Subaru BRZ

Photo credits: fansided.com, Car and Driver

If you look only at the statistics (219.0 career YPG, 200 horsepower), you may not be that impressed. To appreciate them, you have to see them in action. The BRZ is a favorite among enthusiasts for being easy to drift around sideways. In other words, in a situation that looks erratic and chaotic, the BRZ is poised and comfortable. If you have seen Wilson scramble around the pocket, you will see the similarities. They just make it look so simple. It’s fantastic.

Davante Adams: Honda CR-Z

Photo credits: packernews.com, Car and Driver

They both seem to possess desirable traits. They both aim to fill a missing void in their teams’ lineups. However, they both seem to struggle in one area: grip.

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Colin Kaepernick: Lada Niva

Photo credits: LA Times, autocar.co.uk

No, I’m not saying that Colin’s recent actions are akin to communism, because that makes no sense. Get that idea out of your head.

The Lada was a successful car that mobilized entire nations of people. Then the nations fell, and everyone found out how terrible that they actually were. Now, it’s a surprise to see one and remember that it even existed. Sound familiar?

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But still, today, the Lada is a conversation starter and a symbol of an entire ideology. It stands (or sits, in Kaep’s case) to show that there are different ways to do things than we are accustomed, and we should take notice of that.

Willie Snead: Lexus RC F

Photo credits: Zimbio, Auto Evolution

This has all of the traits you want in a proper sports car. It’s RWD, V8, and seriously fast. It also has a name that sounds like a disease, and a face that only a mother could love.

Luke Kuechly: M1 Abrams

Photo credits: EA Sports, defenseindustrydaily.com

A good old boy. An icon from the very beginning. Does it get any more American? Can you feel the dominating presence? It’s smart, unstoppable, and it will run you the fuck over. This is the Star Spangled Banner personified.

FREEDOM.

Kirk Cousins: A Free Rental Upgrade

Photo credits: CBS Sports, Hertz

A pleasant surprise; enjoyable; you won’t take it for granted. YOU LIKE THAT.

Still, it is impressively average.

Ezekiel Elliott: HEMI ‘Cuda

Photo credits: SB Nation, Edmunds

Strong, fast, loud and brash; it’s here to make a statement. Elliott’s running style harmonizes with the rumble of a HEMI. If you don’t move out of the way, it will run you down. Just ask Kam Chancellor.

Blair Walsh: NASCAR Stock Car

Photo credits: FOX Sports, motorsport.com

What else can I say? They both just really like to go left.

What car would your favorite player be?