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Pronounced Tuck-son, so named because you’re supposed to tuck your son into the back seat like everyone else. Hyundai created the Tuck-son at the request of Donald J. Trump’s presidential campaign who wanted to make sure boys and girls kept separate in their own cars - none of this unisex back seat nonsense like those liberal atheists at Target want. Hyundai wanted a compact SUV that would be a top seller in the U.S. market. Knowing that they needed a model to study, they closely studied the popular and highly praised Mazda CX-5 and, in order to better adapt it to the tastes of the typical American SUV consumer, took out all of the elements that made the CX-5 fun and interesting. Even the color selection was carefully crafted in order to appeal to a more youthful SUV buyer: a bright shade of some orange-ish color thingie, some sort of electric blue thingie that people associate with Leguna Seca for some reason, and fifteenth shades of pretty much the exact same damn dark gray color, as well as three shades of white, one of which is no-cost. The interior colors also come in carefully crafted color options, from Tryhard Black to Rent Me Chevy-Cheap Gray. Power and handling are also tremendously improved - after driving one around a test track provided by Hyundai, MotorTrend’s senior editor Angus MacKenzie was quoted as saying it’s meh, which is the same damn thing we’ve been saying for the past 20 years already. Why isn’t Hyundai listening already?!?! Interior quality is also top-notch, designed specifically to make you wonder if the $1500 saved from buying this instead of a CR-V is really worth it. Backed by Hyundai’s famed 10-year warranty, the parts are designed to squeak and rattle juuusst enough to have to avoid taking advantage of that. The Tuck-son launched to much fanfare with this commercial, which in keeping with Trump’s presidential mandate lightly espouses super-vague Republican ideals and ties them into driving a compact crossover somehow.

Hyundai followed up on this smashing commercial commercial success with an ad campaign that politely reminds drivers that, if they drive the competition, they will be unwittingly cast in a Saw movie.

Hyundai has big plans for the Tuck-son in the upcoming Superb Owl which, despite the innocuous non-everything in the teaser I’m sure will promise all sorts of typical 2010s-era Superb Owl Commercial Stupidity. Why are we still excited about Super Bowl Commercials, People?

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I already feel sorry for Matt Ryan.