Hi. Life stuff.

Sad car is Sad

So I was philosophical and texting with my cousin last night and so I had what I thought was an insight: In some cases, depression and anxiety aren’t the illness, but symptoms resulting from being extraordinarily self-aware.

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I think that’s the cause of mine, and I think it’s why in the past I was so ready to dismiss cognitive-behavioral therapy as ineffective. This sounds ironic, but my rationale was that I knew that I was going to talk myself out of getting better anyway.

A lot of people can’t handle the truth of their own being so they prop up this image of themselves that requires a huge amount of energy to maintain. Contemplation and self-examination are avoided. Antisocial actions or behaviors are rationalized away or justified when they should not be.

On the other hand, a lot of people - myself included - ruminate over our thoughts and actions to the point that it actually brings down our mood. I think the thing I learned best from my therapists was that I am human. I am not all good and not all bad. When the darkness creeps in, I can look at it and say, “I don’t have time for you right now.”

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I can face myself, my actions, and my motives with a clear conscience because I work hard to maintain my relationships rather than an image of myself.

It’s been a rough week, but things are better now than they’ve been in a while.