1. Mayonnaise: Mayonnaise is the devil. Spoiled mayonnaise can make you sick, so why the hell would you eat something that tastes spoiled all the time? I will send back anything that has mayonnaise on it, because you cannot get that horrible taste out of anything once it soaks its terrible self in. I’m nice about it when I send it back though.

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2. Any condiment that can come in a squeeze bottle: Mustard tastes like shit. Ketchup tastes like sugary shit. Horse radish and pickle relish taste like rotten shit. I realize mayonnaise should go here, but it’s evil enough that it rated its very own spot on the list.

2a. That includes pump cheese: Cheese is amazing, it’s one of the best foods ever. Pump cheese is an abomination to humanity, and anybody who likes pump cheese is a disgrace.

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2b. American cheese: Speaking of cheese-like-substances, American cheese is just a bunch of chemically oily crap. I will eat American cheese only when it’s on a freshly grilled cheese burger. In that situation, and that situation only, it’s passable. I will still wish there was some real cheese around here instead.

3. Boiled pasta: This is a texture thing for me. I won’t say anything bad about boiled pasta, but the texture of it makes me gag, so it’s a no-go for me. That used to be true for all pasta, but in the last few years I’ve grown able to eat baked pasta. Something about the boiled stuff though, I tried to can, but I can’t.

4. Strawberries and raspberries: These look amazing to me. I want to like them, I really do. I try them regularly hoping that I will like them, but so far to no avail. I used to feel the same way about cantaloupe and honeydew melon, but now I like those, so I still have hope that I will one day like strawberries and raspberries.

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5. Chinese/Thai/Indian food: It smells like garbage that’s been in the sun for a week and it tastes the same way. If a group of friends/coworkers is going out to eat and one of those places, I take a pass. There is literally nothing I will eat there.

There’s more, but that’s enough shit-stirring for today. Come at me bros!