Hello again dear readers of Jalopnik, today brings us a new piece of investigative journalism about cars, car culture, and the people who own them.

I love cars, you love cars, we love cars. The best way to express this is by talking about them on the internet. By bloviating and opining poetically about how they make us feel, how they generate heat in our pantalooons we advance car culture. By advancing car culture, you are more jalop.

What is car culture? Being judgmental of people who own cars you do not like, you can not afford, or feel are not cool enough for you to drive. Being superior to another human being is the goal of human nature and a Jalop has achieved true superiority by knowing what is best in terms of car ownership.

Stanced cars? Wrong.

Super cars? Wrong.

Not off-roading your Jeep? Wrong.

Crashing your car while hooning? Wrong. Duh, you should be a better driver!

Driving a car that efficiently gets you from point A to point B in comfort? Wrong.


What is right? Being a Jalop. And this means you must follow the words of our leaders:

Supercars Are Stupid.

Miata is always the answer.

Drive free or die: meaning, car ownership is silly and will shackle you down. Embrace rental cars (no maintenance) or become a journalist like me and drive cars for free. This is how to truly be a part of the car culture at large.

It is better to talk about working on a car than actually working on a car.

Also, car culture is alive in videogames; Forza has proved this. Today, youth are not interested in buying or driving cars because they can do this in videogames; and, videogames where you can own all the cars you want are safer and more in tune with the soul of true car culture (sponsored by Xbox).

These are truths we know, love and follow.

I am glad to have learned these things and am happy you have welcomed me in to this cult, of cars.