Just found this on my local Craigslist.

What we got here is a 1987 Dodge Shelby Charger Turbo, oh yeah turbo.

Son, this vehicle is so thoroughly American it makes bald eagles shed tears of joy:

-The exhaust smells of apple pie.*

-The radio will only play a looping playlist consisting of "Carry On My Wayward Son," "Don't Stop Believing," "Bawiddabaw", "I can't drive 55", "Poundcake and "Born In The USA."**

-Sitting in the driver's seat results in instant growth of thick, luxurious chest hair.***

This car was massaged by the legend himself, Carroll Shelby, May he rest in peace. His cars have the kind of storied performance and romance young men lay awake and dream of.

Now, I'll be honest with you. If it weren't for our deep patriotism, and this car's clean body it'd see a scrapyard. For the safety of us all the engine and transmission have not run in over 5 years; can't have a monster powerhouse like that falling into the wrong hands like some sissy Prius driver and/or, God forbid, the bicyclist. If you want to tame this star-spangled, testosterone-pumping, gasoline-chugging, direct-reflection-on-your-manhood you're going to have to put some sweat into it to make it run. Luckily you live in the greatest, most American country on earth. America. Such engines and parts are abundant and cheap. Just as Jesus would have wanted.

This rolling tribute to life, liberty, and the pursuit of acid-washed jean jackets has a few other points that need addressed. First off, all four tires came down with an unacceptably chronic case of "the wuss" in the face of the then running power plant and it's insatiable appetite for 'totally-balls-to-the-wall**** burnouts.' They will need replaced (again, cheap and plentiful) . For similar reasons it will also need to have the headliner repaired or replaced. While tearing down the highway with the sunroof open for the chics the wind caught it and pulled it away from the backing under the high G forces. Your manly ego may require a complete paint job but I dig it with the barn find patina that took almost 30 years to create. And that interior smell, well you get the idea.

You know that kid at the end of your street with the Focus or Honda? Point out his numerous inadequacies without saying word. Be the bigger man. Buy this car.

Are you that kid at the end of the street with the Focus or Honda? Sell it. Buy yourself some big-boy pants. Put them on and then buy this car.

Contact is by E-Mail only until we're sure you're man enough for a muscle machine like this, if you're already rocking a mullet call my home phone. This is a serious for sale ad, no weirdos, scammers or tire kickers need respond.

*It doesn't, remember it doesn't run.

**Blatant falsehoods, radio doesn't work.


****Technical term.