Not only do I not really understand myself well (yet), I don’t really understand people either. I’m not sure if other people understand people either. It’s like removing drunk/Imaginationland goggles and seeing the world for what it truly is; which is really fraking different and strange and difficult to understand.

I’m not sure where to begin. People are very imperfect, fickle, and difficult to read creatures to others and themselves, myself included. I don’t really know or understand why we do certain things and whatnot. I’ve had this ignorant preconception of how the world and people worked that wasn’t accurate but based off of what I grew up knowing and learning. I feel behind on personal growth whilst everyone else is far ahead (even though that’s a fallacy that I created but often feel). But it’s idea of how the world and people worked is also based on social media and things I’ve seen, watched, or listened to in the past.

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I also have many things I’ve difficulty understanding because none of it seems logical to me:

  • If you want a relationship you should go looking for one because some unexplained “thingy” makes it so that if you don’t look for one it just happens which makes no sense because I assume someone has to be looking to want one or vice-versa. And if you’re looking for one you’re clearly desperate even if you know that you really don’t need anyone other than yourself to make yourself happy and anyone else is simply an “mutual enhancer” of sorts. So not trying makes things happen, is the gist of this that I’m given to try and understand even though no one can actually explain how or even why this is the way it is.
  • You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself makes no sense because I’ve met many people who love other people more than themselves and they’re doing pretty good. I mean who’s the voice of reason that comes up with this stuff and makes it “law”? I don’t think I hate myself nearly as much as I use to in recent years (yay), I certainly don’t love myself, but I like myself a little more than before, that’s gotta count for something. Also, can’t someone who you love help you love/like yourself more if you don’t? What if someone is as happy as they’re gonna get?
  • For some reason, self improvement always feels more like it’s done for others and not yourself. There are benefits obviously, but it all feels like it’s attempts at making yourself more acceptable to a broader and wider audience. I always wonder what/who I’m doing it for, myself or other people?
  • If jealousy/envy is a natural human emotion, why’s it so bad or a shame to feel it, I feel? I guess it can go too far, but even the littlest amount is a “shame on you” from others?
  • Why’s it seem like people are only there for you when you’re at you’re worst then they leave or fade away once you start improving?

In other recent news:

  • I decided to deactivate my Facebook for the rest of the year. Facebook became breeding ground for shallow and fake people that aren’t really friends (because logically there’s no way I had 850), and it became an emotional energy drain with how I’d waste time and fuel jealousy and envy looking at what people had that I wanted, and other things. It’s been a couple weeks and it’s been nice not having the app on my phone or laptop. Minor increase in free time and productivity from that.
  • I’ve a new therapist that I’m seeing starting next week and I’m feeling rather good about this one. Should be a good help and improvement.
  • Of course, I start my summer engineering internship next month after the spring semester ends, should be much fun.
  • Today I started a bodyweight workout routine to build muscle/character .
  • College has been improving academically recently, but not really socially.

But I have to remember that this entire planet and the people that live on it are living sub-optimal lives, and I’m no exception and if it’s happened to me it’s happened to others and vice versa and stuff.

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So yeah, this is kinda neat to me. It’s my life after all. The new objective isn’t to have a good or bad day, just to have a day. So far, it is what it is. And I guess I’ll be updating my YT channel this weekend too.

tl;dr being a human is fraking weird and more difficult, or something like that.