In today’s episode of people I hate at the gym, allow me to tell you about a gentleman at my gym who does a bunch of annoying weird crap. This includes lots of one-leg hip thrusts, banging even light weights very loudly, and crop dusting farts.
For those who do not know what a hip thrust is, here is James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers hip thrusting a significant amount of weight, with both legs.
You may notice that black foam pad on the barbell. It’s a squat sponge.
Thrusty Slammington III, Esq. does not believe in locker rooms. Every time he arrives at the gym, he proceeds with his backpack toward the back of the weight room, drops his backpack on the floor, then removes his jeans to expose his often very-large gym shorts which somehow fit underneath his jeans even though his jeans are not equally large. Thrusty Slammington III, Esq.’s jeans are like a gym shorts TARDIS.
Thrusty Slammington III, Esq. brings his own squat sponge to do single leg hip thrusts with. He also does a bunch of other weird exercises that I can’t find any videos of because honestly, I don’t even know what the hell they’re called.
One thing I do know how to describe is he sets the cross bars of the squat rack super high up and squats 3 plates, except the cross bars are so high that the total squat depth is maybe 6 inches below standing straight up.
If all Thrusty Slammington III, Esq. did in the gym was a bunch of hip thrusts and other weird exercises, that would be totally fine! But no, Thrusty Slammington III, Esq. manages to make the most noise possible with every single weight he touches for any purpose.
Finish a set of hip thrusts? Sit down to the floor as quickly as possible to bang the weight really loud! Putting a 10 lb plate back on the squat rack? Bang that shit in there against the other plates as hard as possible to show your male dominance to the other gym dwellers! Putting the barbell back on the hooks on the squat rack after doing some weird exercise that I can’t even begin to describe? Throw it on there with a crash and a bang!
On top of all that, Thrusty Slammington III, Esq. likes to silent-but-deadly fart in the middle of the weight room, then leave the weight room to go get water and pretend nobody smelled his SBD. And that shit is deadly.
Finally, when Thrusty Slammington III, Esq. is finished with his workout, he picks his jeans up off the pile he left them in on the floor, puts them back on over his gigantic gym shorts, and leaves with his backpack and squat sponge, only to return again for more hip thrusts and farting.
Last night I was tempted to yell,
“Hey Thrusty Slammington, you think you can make some more noise with those weights?”
But Thrusty Slammington III, Esq. wears large over-the-ear headphones, so I would have to first attempt to get his attention so he’d take his headphones off, and then yell at him, and doing the little “hey I know you can’t hear me but I have something to say to you” hand wave kinda diminishes the FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEIGHT SLAMMING message I’d want to convey.
Thrusty Slammington III, Esq. is a bad person.