The title says it all. I was sitting here at work and staring out the window when I noticed something in the street below. Out of the beige and silver and black dots below there it was: a gleaming pile of mediocrity coated in candy apple red, aka a mint early 2000s Chevy Impala.

I have no love for this car. In fact, I’m not sure that it is a car capable of making someone love it. I will say back when it was new enough to get used as a police fleet vehicle there were at least a contingent of wanna be cops buying them to look the part. As a New York resident who started driving when these were the trooper cars, that taillight profile is burned into my brain. I don’t think anyone wanting to pose as an officer of the law would have bought a bright red car like the one I saw.

Ironically, it was the taillights that made me notice this car in the street below. I know the 4 round taillights are an iconic thing, and people have been drawing parallels with them and those found on the Ferrari 360 or even some generations of Skylines for some time. Something about the bright red on this particular car made me want to slap on a couple of Ferrari badges and laugh at it. Then I thought “why stop there - Ferrari engine swap it!”

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The next 30 seconds of my brainpower were devoted to conjuring images of a RWD converted Ferrari powered Chevy Impala roasting its tires at a drag strip in a giant “F U” to all things innocuous. That was shortly brought to a close when I came across this article in Road & Track. It seems that under the Lancia badge Ferrari has already built a supremely normal, totally forgettable on the outside, front wheel drive blandmobilie called the “Thema Hellcat”. With a Ferrari V8.

That made up my mind. Somebody needs to get a shiny red 2000s era Impala and do an engine swap with one of these things. It will not handle well. It will probably not be much or any faster than a stock impala. It will not look good. It will probably be heaps less reliable. It will be a monumentally stupid undertaking. It will be the essence of Milquetoast rushing to cast off his timid ways and embrace a new life as a member of Seal Team 6, only to ultimately settle for being the night shift security guard at a small town grocery store. It will excel only in its buffoonery. It will be glorious.

I know, I am a monster. Thankfully I have no money to create such a vapid beast.