I never wanted to believe it, I never wanted to admit it, I never thought the day would come that I would hate myself for this reason, but today, that changed with a realization that’ll haunt me forever..This picture should give you an idea of the severity of my sadness. ;-;
I do apologize if this isn’t coherent or if this makes no sense.
Why do I all of a sudden hate myself, you might ask? It’s simple really..
I’m black, that’s why. And it never bothered me at any point in my life, until today, something just clicked. And it made sense to me why I’ve got so little self confidence, why I never feel like I fit in or belong some times at some places, and why I feel left out most of the time, which is a lot; and most of all, why girls are never interested in me.
When I was younger, from age 3 to at least 14, I was honestly the happiest, carefree kid you’d expect a kid to be. I was always happy go-lucky, funny, a weird nerd, and a goofball, and there wasn’t a thing in the world that could sway me otherwise; mind you, I was overweight growing up, going to McDonald’s at least 2-3 times a week for my favorite 20-piece nugget and a medium vanilla shake. By 2nd grade, I was 100lbs, in 8th grade, I was 170lbs; and I didn’t give a damn about what that meant or what people would think of me for it. I eventually lost about 40lbs when I wised up about my health.
But you see, then this thing called ‘growing up’ happened, and that innocence that most young kids have went away, and this is where I am now.
Here in college, as I am now in my second year of hell, I noticed something very odd; and it hit me while I was sitting in the cafeteria, alone, as usual. No one bothered to come sit with me, people looked at me strange as I’d walk to get food or go back to my seat; especially girls for some reason. Now, I’m slightly introverted, according to my dad which I partially agree with; I’ve never been able to walk up to new people or ask to sit with new people and make new friends because of it; unless I had a friend with me. But today, I realized that it’s not the only other reason why. This is when everything came together, why I’ve always felt awkward. Because I’m black, I’m clearly not the same as anyone who’s white, Hispanic, or Asian, and that means that I’m different and some people look at me funny because of it. And why is that? Simply put, association. Association with stereotypes of gangs, crime, rap, murder and other wrong things that would be typical. I’m guilty by association logically. So everyone should be afraid of me, a 19 year-old engineering student standing 5’10” who’s relatively active and in shape, with brains and a mindset that usually puts friends and family before his own needs and wants, because my skin color is associated with negative things we’re all afraid of. If I were any other color, I would not have to live like this.
And if anyone thinks that this can be simply ignored and that it’s the best way to handle it, it can’t be, because it’s always with me, beneath the skin. It’s a curse that I have to worry about every single day.
Now, there’s all of those stupid cultural empowerment slogans like “black is beautiful”, it’s all bullshit; it’s misery and shame honestly. I don’t ever feel like a human being when situations like this occur, I feel like a damn alien in a country I’ve lived in my entire life. And now I’m an extremely self-conscious about how I look, how and when I address people, I never walk up to new people and usually only go out with old friends rather than new ones. I honestly hate being black, and all the negativity it’ given me that I never realized until now. What can I say? I’m sorry for being me, or that I didn’t choose to be this way; won’t make a difference to anyone. I’m not an alien, or an animal, I’m a human being, just like everyone else, I just wish I wasn’t the person I am so I wouldn’t have to be associated with such things. If I could be anything right now, I’d Time Lord, and make myself regenerate so that I wouldn’t have to be black anymore. :(
The only way I can see ending my sad post tonight, is with a quote, actually a poem often said by Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man, because that’s how I feel about myself sometimes.
Tis true, my form is something odd
but blaming me, is blaming God,
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.
What I’d give sometimes...