The suggestions are “take ownership,” “be a straight shooter” (no, workplace violence is not cool, Lifehacker), and “be patient.” A commenter helpfully suggests “not being an asshole” as if it’s somehow your fault that you coworkers are assholes and that you should don a hairshirt in penitence. No, Oppos, let me tell you how you handle a situation where your coworker has overheard you talking shit about them.

For the following scenarios, we’re going to pretend that you were telling you coworkers about a dipshit named Bob and how he’s a dipshit and somehow knowledge of you calling that dipshit Bob a dipshit got back to him.

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1) When Bob is in earshot, loudly exclaim “I’m glad Bob found out I think he’s a dipshit, because it saves me the trouble of having to tell him that to his stupid ugly face.”

2) Leave the corpses of small woodland animals in Bob’s cubicle every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Do this for five weeks, then switch to a Tuesday, Thursday schedule for one week, just to send the message to Bob that he can never let his guard down.

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3) Start a drinking game with your coworkers where you all watch Mean Girls and take a drink every time you copy something from the film and do it to Bob. By the end of the film, you will be drunk and can resort to flagellating Bob with a Mean Girls DVD case.

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4) Put baby bottles filled with formula in the fridge and label them “Bob’s lunch.”

5) Start an “anti-Bob” club that meets over lunch. Leave fliers advertising this club on the outside wall of Bob’s cubicle.

6) Discover if Bob has a peanut allergy. If so, throw an ice cream party where the only toppings are nut-based.