My bank account turned into a shared account when Miss Tesla and I moved in together. So when we broke up, I still had to pay for her monthly subs (of which there are so many) among other things. I tried stopping the flow of those things, but they just keep coming.

Instead, I decided to just close my Bank of America account and start fresh. I opened up a Chase account last Saturday. The Chase next to my house has the nicest bankers I’ve ever spoken to. These people don’t even flinch or double take at my ID and other legal docs. They even skip the small talk and get straight to legitimate and fulfilling conversations!

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On the other hand, two Bank of America branches today proudly showed me why I will never bank with them again.

The morning I destroyed my BofA card (something I now realize to be a terrible mistake) and made my way to branch #1 (the one I opened my account with). Here’s how the conversation went:

Teller: “Hi! How may I help you today?”
Me: “Good morning! I’d love to close my account.”
“That’s not good! Well, just sit over there and our banker will speak with you.”

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**1 hour of waiting ensues...I eventually just decide to make a withdrawal and close the account on another day. I approach the teller again.”**

“I’ve had a change of heart, keeping this account open will be good for me in the long run. I’d instead like to make a withdrawal.”
“Awesome! Go ahead and swipe your card.”
“Oh I’m sorry, I lost my card moving into my new house.”
“No problem, may I have your ID?”
“Sure! Here you go!”

*Hands her ID*

*She takes a 1 second glance at the ID then becomes slightly irate.*

“Yeah, I’m going to need your real ID.”
“Sorry, this happens a lot! Haha. That’s me, I’m transgender. I can give you my Social Security card or my birth certificate if you need it. I’ll also pull my hair back so you can see that I’m the same person that’s on that ID.”


*I pull my hair back.*

(Usually my willingness to pull out this documentation quenches anyone’s thirst for proof.)

“Uh....uh....I’ll speak to my boss.”

*She walks over to her boss, shows her my ID, then the boss laughs and shakes head.*

“I’m sorry, you will have to get this ID changed before we’ll give you money.”
“Erm, okay. The DMV isn’t open until Monday, plus I would need money out of this account to pay to fix my ID anyway.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.”
“Hmmm...Can I order a new debit card then so I can have some way to use my money?”
“You’ll need a new ID for that.”
“But that costs $30 and now I have no way of obtaining $30. I opened my bank account here in 2014, I can even show you that paperwork!”
“I’m sorry, come back when you have a new ID.”
“It’s okay, thanks for trying! :)“

Alright, a swing and a miss. I’ll try another branch. This time I decided to skip the whole ‘closing the account’ thing. Unfortunately all the BofAs in my area also closed their drive-thrus, so bank teller we go!:

Teller: “Hello. How may I help you today?”
Me: “Good afternoon! I’d love to make a withdrawal.”
“Great! Go ahead and swipe your card.”
“Oh I’m sorry, I lost my card moving into my new house.”
“No problem, may I have your ID?”
“Sure! Here you go!”

*Hands him ID*

“Ah, man. I’m going to have to see your real ID please.”
“Sorry, this happens more often than you think!! Hehe. I promise that’s me, I’m transgender. I can give you my Social Security card or my birth certificate if you need it. I’ll also pull my hair back so you can see that I’m the same person that’s on that ID.“

*I pull my hair back.* 

“Uh, right. Be right back”

*I utter “fuck” quietly*
*Boss returns.*

“I’m sorry ma’am you’re going to have to change your ID before we’ll do any transaction.”
“Will my birth cert work? Here, I even have my SSA card!”
“That’s not going to work.”
“What do you want me to do? I have tons of ways of proving my identity, I just don’t have an ID that shows me as a woman.”
“Get a new ID.”
“What made you not do the transaction? Especially when I pulled back my hair and showed you that I look like my ID when I have short hair?”
“You have makeup on and longer hair.”
“So you mean to tell me that any time I want to grow my hair or dare to put on lipstick you want me to go to the DMV and get a new license?”
“Yep. That’s how it works for normal people.”
“Right, okay then. How am I supposed to get the money for the DMV if my bank is effectively holding my money hostage until I prove that I’m a transsexual?”
“You should have thought of that when you decided not to update your ID.”
“Oh, I’m sorry that I wanted to consolidate my transition changes all into one DMV visit instead of having to visit the DMV three or more times. Silly me for trying to save money, be a good employee at work, and saving time. I should have totally considered banking discrimination first.”
“Sorry we couldn’t help.”
“No don’t apologize, you aren’t sorry. If you were you would have done the transaction, bye.”

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So now on Monday I have to either try another branch or call in to work to spend a day at the DMV. Then spend another day at the DMV a few months from now when I get my name changed. Cool. Either way, I have no access whatsoever to my own darned money.

Sod off Bank of America, this is why everyone hates you.