Just two days after announcing the MKX will be renamed “Nautilus,” Lincoln’s Chief Marketing Officer Mike “El Cuello” Martinez announced that he will be leading the renaming of the brand’s entire lineup, drawing inspiration from fitness equipment and exercises from his personal gym experiences.

El Cuello takes a lunch break in Ford’s corporate gym.

After years of confusion around the future of the Lincoln brand, parent company Ford Motors successfully relaunched the entire Lincoln lineup over the past few years. The Zephyr, once a slightly-rebadged luxury version of the Ford Fusion, was given more substantial styling differentiators and renamed MKZ (Note: Not to be confused with “Mark Z” in Lincoln’s traditional naming scheme).

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However, the MKZ will soon become the Rogue, according to Mr. Martinez. When questioned whether the name could create confusion for customers (or legal problems with Nissan, who already sells a Rogue crossover), Mr. Martinez simply taunted customers and Nissan to “Come at him.”

According to Martinez’s official press release, remaining changes include:

  • Large sedan Continental will be known as “Benchpress” to represent the “Cornerstone of any progression.”
  • Compact crossover MKC will be called “Needle” in honor of “the easiest way to be successful, both in the car business and in lifting.”
  • Large crossover MKT will be “Deadlift” due to its “hearse-inspired styling.”
  • Full-size SUV Navigator will become the “Dom Mazzetti” (no reason given).
  • Previously-canceled midsize SUV Aviator will once again be built on the Ford Explorer platform as the “Flexxx” (not to be confused for Ford’s defunct wagon, which had only one “x”)
  • Lincoln’s tagline will officially become “Do You Even Lincoln?”
  • The company’s patented parallel parking assistance system will be renamed LincolnPark™ (in honor of “The greatest band of all time” according to Martinez’s unofficial facebook page).
I am truly sorry for your loss.

Martinez also said the company plans to renew its television advertising contract with spokesman “Wooderson,” an actor previously known as Matthew McConaughey (prior to a recent one-on-one meeting with Martinez). Lincoln is hoping to purchase and trademark the Wooderson name from Dazed and Confused filmmaker Richard Linklater before he and Gramercy Pictures are forced to settle their current batch of lawsuits stemming from that character’s pursuit of underage girls in the 1993 cult classic movie.

Got a new Aviator? It’d be a lot cooler if you did.

Look for the 2019 Lincoln Nautilus, Needle, Benchpress, Dom Mazzetti, Deadlift, Rogue, and Flexxx in showrooms by late summer 2018.