I’m sorry but I want to dropkick a small child anytime someone says they are getting “cheap wings” and then follows it up by stating they are $0.50 each! Chicken wing prices are absolutely outrageous!!

Here’s the thing, there are four “pieces” of the chicken commonly used: Breast, Thigh, Legs, and Wings. Now I want you to realize that the chicken wing is the cheapest part of the chicken by far! If a breast were to cost $1.00, a thigh may be $0.65, a leg around $0.55, and a whole wing would be around $0.20. At the consumer level, once upon a time — which means still currently in the South — you got the wing for free because it was so unwanted. They’d serve that ol’ flapper still connected to the breast, kin!


So I just said a whole wing is about a cost of $0.20, or 1/5 the price of a single breast. Now let’s take a whole wing, make like a 2007 Aston Martin V8 Vantage and this breakdown, aggressively!

On the plate pictured above are six whole chicken wings. Those whole wings are made up of three parts but only considered as two pieces. The parts are the Drumette, the Flat, and That-Pokey-Part-Most-People-Toss-Out-Like-Shrimp-Tails. That third part has a very wordy name, thus we never refer to that part individually, in fact we just consider it to be part of the Flat. Anywhoddy, you can break those pieces (Drumette and Flat w/Pokey) apart, toss out the pokey part and you just turned that plate of six whole wings into what consumers consider to be a plate of twelve “wings!” That’s right kiddos, your wings are actually only half-wings.


Now remember when I said a whole wing was about a cost of $0.20? If that whole is two parts then each one of those Drumettes and Flats would be a cost of $0.10. If I’m selling you those half-wings for $0.50 each then I’m making an 80% profit on the pieces alone! That means that entire $0.20 cost whole wing is being sold to you for $1.00, the same cost as one whole chicken breast!! If you have ever wondered how a chicken tender (fried breast meat) costs the same as the wings then there ya go!

*Quick note: Profit = (Retail - Cost)/Retail. So if the $0.10 wings are $0.50 each then you have an 80% profit. If they are usually $1.00 each then you have a 90% profit. If you charged $100 each, then you’d have a 99.9% profit (not 100% because you still paid for the wings).

Many places, specifically grocery store Service Delis for this example, operate on a 50% profit margin. Usually whatever you’re buying in that department the price that department pays to make the product is half of the price you’re being charged on the retail. So something that’s $3.99 prepared in the grocery Deli will probably cost that Deli $1.99 to make. If restaurants worked off that same principle then your $0.50 wings would actually be $0.20-$0.25 each at REGULAR PRICE! That’s still a 50% to 60% profit! I’m not talking about prices on some special half off night, I’m talking about er’ryday! Yeeaaahhh, Boi!!

So you and your buddies are meeting for $0.50 wing day at your local pub. You order the plate above with eight wings on it, some day old celery (nothing wrong with that), and a squirt of ranch dressing from the 3 gallon jug. You get charged around $4.29 for that plate, wonder why you’re still hungry so order another plate, burger, more appetizers (because eight wings are a warmup-meal to prepare for the real meal in the US), whatever. You buy about 16 wings for under $9 and beam with gluttonous pride as you now believe you could eat wings competively because you absolutely destoryed them! Pigeons flee in your presence because they heard about what you did to Big Rhonda and the Gang over in Bdubs last Tuesday! You sick bastard...

All I’m sayin’ is that the plate of eight assorted Drumettes and Flats should have only cost $2 and some change since eight wing pieces is only four whole wings which only cost $0.20 each, and a 50%-60% profit margin means it should have only cost you $0.50 per whole wing.

And while you’re trying to say, “But Wobbles, they use premium all natural free-range chicken wings, and look at the size of them!” Yo, what is a “premium” chicken and why would you want its wings of all things? How do you get huge wings naturally on a bird that’s flightless? Free-range, you can keep the chickens locked up all day, give them 30 minutes to an hour outside to play basketball, lift weights, and get tatted up before locking them back into their enclosures. You know they call that “yard time” in prison, right?

Why ya’ payin’ so much for the wings off prison chicken, fam? Now boneless wings are a different story because they’re usually just chicken breasts. The pricing on those makes more sense since they make less cents. Not like the bone-in wings where you know they are broken up pieces of the wings. Now wait a second there Becky, that doesn’t mean to only buy your wings boneless! Three chopped up chicken tenders being used to make a plate of 12 boneless wings may not be worth $0.50 a pop. Boneless wings ain’t anarchy, so eat those delicious bourgie adult chicken nuggets and know that you are the type of consumer you said you’d never be.

Huh, surprising how many sheep eat chicken...