Ya’ll ready for a good ol’ fashioned internet tirade? Well if not fuck off because it’s GM’s time to get torn apart. Let’s get started.

Disclaimer: This edition of Really, That’s Your Vehicle Lineup? is brought to you by alcoholism. Alcoholism! With just a few shots and a few IPAs you too can pretend like you know what you’re talking about on the internet!

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First things first, lets look at my favorite metric of all time. Total # of powertrain offerings (excluding trans options). GM has 19.... For reference, Ford has 18 and I pretty much blew a gasket about that.... This should be easy.

So what the fuck even are some of these engine options? How about the 1.8L N/A? Well let’s just compare it to Ford’s 1.0L EcoBoost! That should be fun! If only Ford put it in a Focus and Chevy put theirs in a Cruze, that’d just be perf... Oh they did? And Car & Driver reviewed both? And did 0-60's? and Fuel economy runs? Fuck me this is easy as hell. Ok well then...Well don’t keep them waiting, what’re the numbers?

  • 1.8L EcoTec N/A
    0-60: 9.4 sec
    C&D Obs: 27 mpg
  • 1..0L EcoBoost
    0-60: 9.4 sec
    C&D Obs: 33 mpg

Oh... Wait so why do you make the 1.8L GM? Why not design a 1.0L Turbo? Oh Opel did that for you? But you couldn’t match the EcoBoost? And you sold Opel? Oh.... That’s... Interesting?...

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Fuck it let’s go with the 1.5L Turbo! Wait no the 1.4L Turbo? Wait you make fucking both? So they’re separated by 10 HP and 7 lb*ft?... Ok GM you’ve got a fucking problem.

Ok, let’s go to the 2.0L Turbo, the staple of any car company nowadays! So what’s the 2.0L EcoTec put down?!

  • 2.4L EcoTec N/A
    Wait they don’t still... Oh just the Low-Cab Chevy? Well ok then...
  • 2.5L EcoTec
    200 HP
    191 lb*ft
    Wait that’s still the wrong fucking engine...
  • 2.4L EcoTec N/A
    Wait I thought... Oh it’s in the Buick Verano too?... Ok that’s not weird at all...

Ok fuck going through the engines, that’s just going to take goddamn forever. Let’s look at my second favorite metric! The standard brand to the luxury brand!

First up, the Cruze! What’s it’s luxo comparisson?! The ATS?! Wait no that’s an alpha platform like the CTS... Wait... Ok? Then the Verano, thats the same platform! So the Cuze starts at about $18,000 and the Verano starts at about $21,000.... Oh what the fuck

This isn’t going well at all is it. Let’s just single out a vehicle that shouldn’t exist then, the Chevy Impala.

Essentially the same wheelbase and width as the Malibu, yet it weighs in at a good 600 pounds more and has the same passenger volume?... And the Impala costs $6,000 more base? And doesn’t get the 2.0L Turbo?... And that puts it $4,000 away from the LaCrosse, which happens to sit on the same platform... This vehicle literally serves no purpose.

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Take 2: Buick Cascada, AKA the Buick Verano Convertible... AKA there’s no Buick Verano Coupe BTW...

They sold 7,000 of these last year.... It costs $12,000 most than its sedan version... Honestly why the fuck does this exist?

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This is just insane. The depth of the bullshit GM sells is too much to tackle in one go. I mean come one, they have fucking three “luxury” brands, and all three sell crossovers... I honestly don’t understand how this business model hasn’t resulted in a crippling bankruptcy... Oh... Oh yea..... My bad iT FUCKING HAS AND THEY HAVEN’T FIXED IT.... Honestly give me one reason why Buick, GMC, AND Cadillac need to exist...

I’m honestly having a hard time zeroing in on what exactly is wrong with GM because of the depth of their issues. Not only do they have overlapping engine applications, a gross miss-use of platforms, and a collection of pointless vehicles, but they literally have layers of self-competition.

So what sort of sales figures do you get with 1 baseline and 3 luxury brands? About 3 million units. Compare that to Ford at 2.6 million, ~15% difference, and an operating income separated by only 9%. What’s that give you? A market cap of about 118% that of Ford!... wait... really?... To be fair some of this might have to do with GMs joint ventures with a trio of Chinese automakers, but we’ll just pretend that’s not a thing.

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Let me wrap this shit show of a post up with the words of the great Jim Farley: “Fuck GM. I hate them and their company and what

they stand for, and I hate the way they’re succeeding.