Snakes and Sparklers: Bernie's F1

Bernie Ecclestone failed as a driver in F1, so he became a manager, he got money and became a team owner. Then, with his money, he bought the media rights to F1 and through numerous contracts and agreements, he became Formula One's de facto ruler. For a while, he was a champion for safety, but now he only represents greed.

This year a whole new host of rules and regulations took over the formula. Cars are now powered by turbocharged V6's and FIA mandated fuel flow regulators. Nose heights are lower, wings are smaller and energy recovery systems are different. One team has been dominating this season, and it's not Ferrari. Ferrari has responded the way that they always have, by threating to leave F1 and then saying, "just a-kidding, but we-a still a-might! Trolololo!"

Bernie has responded by threatening to end the Italian Grand Prix at Ferrari's home track of Monza after 2016. He claims that the low ratings this season in Italy and around the world are Ferrari's fault, Ferrari has the largest fan base in F1. He also blames the poor ratings on the kid's these days for being distracted by the twitter, facetubes and the rest of the webernet. Mr. Ecclestone is also not a fan of the new cars and their lack of noise. But, don't worry, Ole' Bernie's got a plan to save the day!

His plan consists of making the cars louder, adding titanium skid plates to the bottoms of the cars, and standing restarts after safety car laps. Making the cars louder would be nice, but instead of getting rid of the crappy fuel flow limit, the cars will have dual exhaust. Bernie longs for the old days when the cars would spark when hitting crests in the roads, so he's going the SoCal route of adding titanium skid plates for useless sparks. Finally in an effort to attract the morbid crowd, the standing starts will do nothing but cause more crashes, so much for Bernie's safety crusade!


Why is Bernie so coo coo for coco puffs ratings? Because he gets the money! Like seriously, a whole metric fuck-ton of money.

However, he still doesn't want to get F1 into the social media that is distracting them damn youths. F1 doesn't have an app with cool in car footage during the racing. The broadcasts in America are terrible. These could all generate more interests in F1 and higher ratings. However, Bernie only likes the snakes and sparklers that he's selling. He needs to learn that it's not what he wants, it's what we, the consumers want.