Full disclosure: I hate Guinness. I feel qualified to hate Guinness. It’s not like I’ve had Guinness once and decided I didn’t like it. I’ve had lots of Guinness, because I’ve been to Ireland a few times and Guinness is €0.50 cheaper than Heineken in most places, and that meant every tenth beer was free, and that sort of economic theory means a lot to me as a binge drinker. I’ve had a lot of Guinness and I hate it.

But I still bought this because I love nitro iced coffee. It’s a rip off, but I adore it. I also went into this knowing from experience with canned nitro iced coffee that it would lose a lot of its charm in a can.

Advertisement

But this? This is terrible beer. It takes the general flat soda-ness of Guinness and cranks it up to 11, then mixes it with a bad IPA. I’m sure that this blandness is the “smooth” taste the nitro is supposed to impart, but I assure you that it is not.

There’s something in the can that makes it rattle like a spray can. I’m tempted to shake it, but the cans already feel like they’re sort of under pressure. But why would the rattle can thing be there? Nothing on the can mentions its existence.

But, you know what, Oppo? Out of my infinite love for you, I’m going to shake this can. I’m going to shake it like a teen mom shakes a crying baby.**

I am now covered in beer.

Imagine a very unsexy beer commercial where women in bikinis shake cans of beer and pop them open on each other, but replace sexy playfulness with sadness and disappointment and breasts with borderline alcoholism.

Advertisement

The beer is slightly more foamy than the first one. It’s even blander. I think maybe it tastes better, but this might be because of the knowledge that the beer that exploded on me is beer I will not have to drink.

This is a very shitty beer.

* When I was about 8, some friends and I found some Coors Light. We each had a sip and decided it was terrible, then decided that the rest of the six pack was best used as pretend grenades that would explode when we threw them on the asphalt. Never felt the need to experience it a second time, but it may possibly be worse. Natural Ice is also worse, but Natty Ice doesn’t count as beer. It’s canned desiccant for which the only purpose is to cause hangovers in undergraduates.

** the poor taste of this joke should help you understand the poor taste of this beer.