and is a complete and utter idiot?

This guy. Nice to meet you.

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UPDATE: A nice family in a Pathfinder driving by stopped, and happened to have a tow chain. Pulled me back onto solid ground. It turns out that there IS a legitimate dirt road parallel to this, it forked, and I chose the ATV path instead of the legit road. It was pretty much sand.

I am delighted by the fact that you’re all as amused as I am, if not more. +1 for everyone.