Earlier today, Patrick George announced that he was moving back to Texas, from Washington DC. I thought that there must be a reason for leaving DC, but I could not put my finger on it. Then, Patrick disclosed that he served time in a Virginia Jail for speeding. Suddenly, it dawned on me. I did some serious research and I found something that astonished me. I was bewildered, but I kept digging. What I found may leave you questioning your very existence.
7/25/2014: 9:00 am, Patrick George is booked at Rappahannock Shenandoah Warren Regional Jail in Front Royal, Virginia. His personal belongings are: 1 plaid button down long-sleeve shirt, 1 white Haynes undershirt, 1 Apple iPhone 5s in gold, 1 pair of Urban Outfitter's jeans, 1 pair of brown leather shoes and 1 brown leather wallet with "BAD MOTHER FUCKER" embossed on the side, contents are $1500, driver's license, and 1 Trojan condom. 10:00 am, after delousing, he is led to cell number 245. Patrick is introduced to his cell-mate, Diego DeDouchebag. 10:00 pm, a conversation is heard coming from cell 245:
"How much time do you have?" "Oh let's see, three days." "Three days? Three days for murder? I must meet your lawyer?" "No, it was speeding."
11:30 pm, another conversation is heard:
"Do you have a dream, George?" "Well, I would if I could get some fucking sleep." "Everyone has a dream, George, what's yours." "Well, I had a dream, to win a Pulitzer Prize for automotive journalism. But, that's all fucking gone now. I failed myself for going 93 in Virginia." "No, George, you failed because you had the wrong dream... What do you know about cocaine?"
7/26/2014: Patrick George and Diego DeDouchebag are seen together for the whole day quietly conversing and playing chess.
7/27/2014: 3:00 pm, Patrick George is released from jail and picked up by his wife. 4:00 pm Patrick George makes a phone call to Matt Hardigree, "I heard that you and Doug have a thing going on down near the border. I want in." "I'm surprised it took you this long, did Doug's cousin tell you about it?" "Yes… How did you know?" "I know things. Look, here's my offer. You move back down to Texas and cover our snowboarding events. You keep 20% of the proceeds, I get 20, Denton gets 30, and Ghosn gets the rest. We cool?" "Yeah, we cool." "Good, first event is on Saturday, the 16th. You'll be meeting up with Fluffy Bunny." "I will be there, just one question, why not Orlove?" "Because the last time he went down there, shit went upside down. As for you, just keep it under the radar this time."