What say you, dads of Oppo?

My wife and I have been married for three years now. She really wants a child. In a way, I do too. But. I am terrified. Literally. Terrified.

We thought she might be pregnant a few weeks ago (missed a pill) and I had a literal anxiety attack. It was bad.

Thing is, I don’t know why the thought of it scares me so much. I feel abnormal. I feel weird. I feel like a bad husband.

For one thing, I feel like I’d be a bad dad. My dad was a druggie and a drunk and killed himself in a drunk driving crash when I was 2. My stepdad was physically and mentally abusive to my mom and I throughout my childhood. My mom passed away when I was 11. So, my family is crazy. Always has been. On both sides. Not clinical diagnosis crazy. Just rampant alcoholism crazy.

I also have anxiety. Generalized anxiety disorder is a technical term for it. In layman’s terms, I am anxious a lot, and often about nothing. Some days are better than others. I’m seeking counseling for that through my church, which is helping (anything negative you have to say about religion please take it elsewhere just this once). I also have low to no self-esteem. I am my number one critic and my temperament leads me to constantly criticize myself. That’s probably why I think I’d be such a bad dad despite literally everyone I know telling me the opposite.

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I am not a mechanical person. I like very little sports. Cars are my only real interest. I’m afraid I’d have trouble showing my boy how to be a man. Because I often don’t feel like a man myself. I don’t understand emotions. I was raised in an environment where you weren’t allowed to show emotions, or talk about anything deeper than the weather. So, I'd be a bad support for a little girl, too. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. Sorry if I’m boring you, that’s not my intention. Not by any means.

I guess my question is, did any of you Oppo dads have thoughts like this? Are they different now? Why or why not? Any advice? I’m 26 and my wife is 25 and we are financially stable now (especially with my upcoming raise). It’s time, and I know that. But it scares me to death.

My wife even said I could have the new Mazda6 I’ve been drooling over if I agree to start trying to have a child. We have zero debt besides our home. Not that a car would be the reason I’d start trying. No. But I have to admit, a rear facing car-seat in my 3’s tiny back seat would be interesting.

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Photo because pretty.