Personal stuff ahead.

Mexican Impotency.

What happened in Hidalgo on the 18th of January rocked me to my core. Eighty people are reportedly dead as of writing and more than seventy are hospitalized with serious injuries, many will probably die in the next week. Many of them were children.

Eighty deaths is not a big number in Mexico, it’s actually a small amount. But what rocked me to the core was the utter failure of every single health and safety instrument available. The malice with which these people stole the fuel, the absolute ignorance, agression, and selfishness they showed as they literally bathed in gasoline as it gushed out of the pipe.

Little did they know that it would be the last day of their lives.

I guess that it’s part of living in this country, and I feel so impotent about it. I feel like no matter what I do, say, or write nothing will change. I am not a likeable man, I am not a politician or a successful businessman; I cannot effect the change I wished that would occur here with the tools I have.

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My family, my friends, pretty much everyone I know... We belong to the complacent class. The 14% that can worry-not. The 14% that can buy a car when the metro doesn’t work, or that can go to a private hospital when the public one is overcrowded, or that can pay for private schooling when public schooling renders us incompetent.

People that can ignore tragedies like this. I remember back in 2015 when the masacre in Iguala, Guerrero occured. My father told me “There should be a fucking civil war over this” as he calmly drove down Reforma Avenue, on his new Jeep.

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But there was no civil war. There was no revolution, nothing changed. Violence is widespread, death is a constant, and misery is a given. But not for us. We live calmly, and with certainty that nothing can go wrong. There’s so much inequality in so many aspects to the point that quality of life can rival Finland in some neighborhoods, while in others it might rival D.R. Congo.

But I don’t think I can subscribe to my family’s model of “even if they suck, we can pay someone who doesn’t to do their job.” I don’t like living in a country that I know that doesn’t work as it should. I just can’t help it.

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So I don’t know. Perhaps I don’t want to live here anymore. But I don’t know where I’d go. My family loves this country, and I do feel like I owe something to the people of Mexico. The people that fed me, that paved the roads I drove on, that made the electrcity I used to write this.

It is, after all, a society. What little I have given back in taxes and labor perhaps is relevant, but maybe not enough to upset the sacrifices that were made for me by everyone here.

If perhaps opportunistic, I’d probably move to Spain, or Canada, once I finish college. But for that, some time still has to go by, and in the meantime I hope that something finally changes. I don’t like the people in power but I share an opinion with them that it’s been enough: We’re all tired of the croney state.

I just really hope that it’s not just another façade. I want this to work out because I would love living here if it wasn’t so messed up, and if I left I’d feel like I betrayed so many things about myself. It’s worth saving, but I don’t know how.