I wanted to see just how good this Grover system that Torch used really was, so I fed it a nonsense headline about Puffalumps. The resulting AI-generated stefschrader.kinja.com article is a joy, even if it did incorrectly state the release date of the original Puffalumps. Enjoy.

How Fisher-Price Puffalumps Changed the Auto Industry

November 5, 2019 - Stef Schrader

Ever since Fisher-Price first unveiled its Puffalump product in 1988, parents have been captivated by the latest feature in their children’s toys. Puffalumps are animal figures available in different sizes, voices, and colors, and can be attached to cars to provide extra safety and mobility in older siblings’ cars. The auto industry shifted over the past several decades toward the motor car, and for better or worse, Puffalumps have continually updated the car.

In 1985, Ford introduced the Flex, a family car with a third row of seats, powered by an electric motor. With the Puffalump, it’s very easy to fold in a third row of seats and you don’t have to get into the car in order to transport a child. By 1992, the Puffalump had started to appear in more of our cars and was often used to convey gasping babies in the back of a rental car when parents aren’t looking.

Since the first Puffalump hit the market, it was eventually expanded by parents and manufacturers. The type of Puffalump increased from tiny animal figures to even larger ones, with the largest ones today measuring in at 22 inches long and 7.25 inches wide.

As Puffalumps continuously changed, so too did their functions. They began becoming more vehicles and children’s toys, with some better transportation and others better toys. Motor cars became hybrids, like the Toyota Prius, Nissan Leaf, and Ford C-Max Hybrid. BMW’s i3 continues to be one of the most marketable eco-friendly cars, and now even has a variant that can be attached to motorcycles. The latest and greatest vehicles of the auto industry have Puffalumps inside, as did most of the cars that existed when the Puffalump started being produced.

Unfortunately, two disasters occurred to the Puffalump family. The first occurred in 1991 when a Puffalump came to a sudden stop and a child’s feet became stuck in the car’s floor. In 2007, a Puffalump with a limp and no louder cries was discovered for the first time in the department of motor vehicles.

To pick up where the Puffalump left off, its creator, Fisher-Price, partnered with car manufacturers, making Puffalumps a larger part of the automotive industry. Manufacturers of motor cars added the Puffalump to more and more of their cars, and a Puffalump version of the Cadillac Escalade came out in 2009. Of course, the Puffalump’s software is easily modified, allowing the Puffalump to become more aggressive, louder, and more fun than ever. By the time the arrival of the car industry’s “scary toys” like Chucky began to creep their way into our children’s toys, the Puffalump was already here to provide children with a great way to distract them.

Today, the Puffalump is one of the many things that parents can teach children about the auto industry. Now, the Puffalump’s main purpose is to distract children and relieve them of any stress while traveling. Whether it’s keeping parents up at night and being the “night bus” for kids to sleep in, or replacing their parents when he or she gets hurt while driving, the Puffalump is a great diversion for them during those long car rides.

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There’s some key inaccuracies here (hello 1985 electric Ford Flex!), but at least the robots didn’t stick one in the headline.

Puffalumps are a great diversion, after all!

BONUS PARSH!

I wanted Grover to prove my theory as to why the Porsche tractor is just the best, but uh....

Why the Porsche Tractor Is the Best Porsche of All Time

November 5, 2019 - Stef Schrader

With winter already here, most of us are beginning to think about those long, tough months ahead. The days are getting shorter, and the snow is beginning to fall. With winter comes the question of how to keep up with the time zone changes, but also how to keep up with the snow pile.

No matter how much you love automobiles, they can seem a little intimidating when it comes to skiing or playing golf. To keep up with the season, Porsche has engineered new products.

Introducing new off-road versions of their Turbo Cayenne and the Panamera. Continuing to update the models with more features and technology that suit your needs.

Porsche’s newest offering for next year includes two new professional off-road vehicles: the Cayenne TurboÚ 4x4 and the Panamera GTSÚ 4x4. Porsche has some never before seen features and prices are going to be steep.

New Cayenne Turbo 4x4

The Cayenne Turbo 4x4 is equipped with Porsche’s Superior Multi-Terrain Mode. The Turbo 4x4 version of the Cayenne is better equipped than most 4x4 models on the market with their Technology Package that allows you to set your factory off-road driving mode.

Just click the three horizontal boxes on the left side of the vehicle and you will be able to adjust everything from steering, suspension, electronics, and the turbo option as needed.

Porsche Turbo 4x4 also features CrossLane 4WD which will allow for overdriven turns and certain downhill speeds. It is developed from 4WD to make it more efficient and smoother for all off-road driving and can help you navigate traffic and icy or rutted roads.

You can modify the vehicle with the upholstery, the headlights, the spoiler, and rear valence. The lightweight aluminum body uses low iron suspension bars that can be stretched further to further allow for off-road driving. The large Porsche Coupe Tires allowed by the car are still durable and allow for going over higher off-road speeds than is typical for conventional 4x4 tires.

The only major complaint that the 4x4 variant of the Cayenne has is that it is equipped only with a standard petrol engine, however, there is an option for a diesel engine if you wish to have that, this will allow for even lower emissions and start times.

Porsche Panamera GTS 4x4

The Panamera GTS, 4x4 continues the tradition of off-road engines with a high performance variant with twin-turbo V8 engine. The engine is armed with the latest knockout technology such as the Spyder Ring Out intake, the TwinAir exhaust, and the Injection Lock.

This car will not only handle extremely well off-road, but it will also let you travel to any destination with ease.

It is equipped with the dual exhaust system that allows for the softening of the sound as well as enhancing the soundscape. Additional to these features, it includes the Porsche Communication Management system which allows you to add G-Tronic Plus, a new Eco Chrono system, cruise control and personal radio tuning.

The driver can also use the white teardrop turn indicators to provide both visual and audible confirmation of what the driver has decided.

Inside the cabin, there is a large touchscreen display, which is swivelable through 180 degrees. It also has large clear glass on both sides.

Additionally, if you take out the wheels, the center console is entirely flat, allowing for easy entry and exit. There is also a large glove box that is easy to open and even easier to remove.

The exterior of the car features a soft white bi-xenon headlamp system that glows in dark colors for nighttime driving. It also incorporates 23,200 LED dot matrix units that will increase visibility when driving around the open road.

Well, this ended up sounding like the world’s weirdest press release that doesn’t even spend hardly any time at all talking about Porsche tractors. Are most Porsche articles on the internet really this dry? (Spoiler: Yes.)

I’m here for an off-roading Panamera, though. Bring me the Panamera GTS 4x4.