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How OPPO Is Your Car? (in progress - rev5 edits - BIG changes since Friday - last chance to make suggestions!)

Seems like it would be a fun project to update and revise How Jalopnik Is Your Car? for OPPO, a decade plus after the original.

**UPDATE (Friday evening) - I will share this one last time for suggestions/revisions on Monday morning (the 14th), and then put up a “final” version in a separate post once the last changes are made early next week - please score your car(s) and let me know what changes you think need to be made! (Once we have the final formula, I’ll work with HHFP to try to get it all in the spreadsheet calculator that he worked on.)

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***UPDATE (Saturday evening) - MAJOR CHANGE! Both RWD and 2-door have been dropped from 25 points each to 20 points each, as scores were starting to get “out of whack”. Apologies to the V6 Mustang/Camaro owners. Horsepower ranges have also been adjusted. Plenty of other small changes have also been made today...

***UPDATE (Monday morning) - LAST CALL FOR REVISIONS! Speak now of forever hold your peace (who am I kidding, this is Oppo... LOL)!

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Here’s the OG scoring system (edits in bold):

1: Engine

We once read an interview with Mike Watt where the ex-Minuteman was asked his thoughts on 7-string basses. In his Wattian. round about way of thinking, the man in the van with the bass in his hand said that he once met a kid with a 1-string bass. So, for every 7-string bass, there ought to be an equivalent 1-stringer. This is one of our guiding principles. With that in mind:

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4-Cylinder: 0 points, unless boxer/flat, then 7 points. V4? 14 points.

3-Cylinder: 1 point, unless you have an i8, then 8 points.

2-Cylinder: 50 points. We heart Trabants.

1-Cylinder: 100 points. May your Fuldamobil live long and prosper.

5-Cylinder: 2 6 points. What, you think an Acura Vigor deserves more? Special dispensation: if you drive a 5-banger Jetta, -5 points.

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6-Cylinder (V6): 3 5 points.

6-Cylinder (inline): 10 points. Datsun Z, Jeep Cherokee, 3-Series, Dodge Dart? Hell yeah!

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6-Cylinder (boxer/flat): 12 points.

8-Cylinder (V8): 15 points.

8-Cylinder (inline): 20 points.

8-Cylinder (flat): I don’t believe you...

10-Cylinder: 25 points. And if you drive a Bristol Fighter, give yourself an extra 50 points.

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12-Cylinder (V12): 30 points.

12-Cylinder (Flat): 50 points. Especially if you drive a 917.

16-Cylinder: 100 points.

Rotary: 23 points.

W8/12: 17 points

Turbine: 1 million points. I hear you, Udman.

Hybrid (not 48v systems): Divide your current point total by 1.4 (unless your hybrid has a manual, then 25 points, or unless you own one of the “holy trinity”/other hybrid supercar, then divide by 2.8 - you don’t need any more points!).

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Electric: Give 2 points to the guy sitting next you. Just kidding, 6 points.

Aftermarket hybrid/electric conversion: 25 points.

1.b: More engine

Longitudinally mounted: 25 15 points. Even if you have a 4-banger, that 4-banger could be in a Se7en.

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Latitudinally mounted (transverse): -10 points (unless mid/rear-engined, then 1 point).

Boxer/flat layout: 10 points.

Slant: 20 points.

Flathead: 25 points.

Throttle bodies: Add 5 points per throttle body.

Carburetor: Add 10 points for each carb.

Air Cooled: 25 points.

Diesel (domestic): 20 10 points (unless you live in Europe).

Diesel (Euro-trash): -20 points.

Engine not original: 15 points.

2: Aspiration

Normally aspirated: 0 points. Hey, lots of cool cars breathe all on their own. But why? And, like, the McLaren F1 doesn’t really need any more help. (+10 if redline 7000 or greater, +10 if redline less than 3000)

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Turbocharged (single): 15 5 points (+10 for pre-2016 OEM, +10 if not OEM)

Supercharged: 15 points (and 50 more if twin superchargers)

Twin-Turbo (dual): 20 points

Twin-Turbo (sequential): 30 points

Quad-Turbo: 50 points

Dualcharged (super and turbo): 100 points. We heart the Delta S4.

3: Body Style

4-doors: 0 points. If you have an E39 M5 (or any RWD, manual, V8 sedan),that’s 20 points you get a gold star for stealth. If a 3-door hatch, 7 points for weirdness.

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5-door crossover: -5 points.

5-door hatchback: 5 points (you know the difference...).

5-door wagon: 5 10 points. Despite what Lutz says, we love wagons. Special dispensation: If any of those 5 doors are of the sliding variety, -10 points.

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3-doors: 10 points. Viva la shooting brake!

2-doors: 25 20 points. Screw practicality.

2-doors (gullwing and/or scissors): 35 points (unless aftermarket, then -17.5).

0-doors: 50 points.

Doors, however many, but they’re welded shut: 100 points.

Ute: 15 points

Camino-ized: 101 points.

Convertible: 15 points (if targa, make it 30).

Hardtop Convertible: -10 points.

4-Door Hardtop Convertible: +50 15 points

T-Tops: 25 points.

Single-seater: 25 points.

10+ seats: 10 points (how’s your headache?)

Update: Suicide Doors: 50 points (must open independently of other doors).

3.b: Trucks, Crossovers & SUVs *Only* - Body Style
—> skip to 3.c if scoring a car <—

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_ * Body on Frame : 10 points.

_ * Unibody: -20 -10 points.

_ * Flatbed: 20 points

_ * Dually: 50 points.

Minivan: -300 points.

_ * Minivan + manual (or + aftermarket suspension): 25 points.

_ * Panel van: 30 points.

_ * Custom/Conversion Van: 50 points.

3.c: Curb Weight

3000 lbs or less: 10 points.

2000 lbs or less: 20 points, and stay safe out there!

5000 lbs or more (and not an HD pickup): -10 points.

4: Wheels Driven

Front-wheel drive: 0 points. Hey, I love a good front driver as much as the next guy, but you just don’t get any points - sorry! Unless, of course, your car is pre-1970, then 7 points!

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All-wheel drive: 10 points.

4-wheel drive: 15 points. This means you have low gears and you use them. If you have never moved your transfer case, -50 points.

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Rear-wheel drive: 25 20 points. Lets face facts. Rear-wheel drive is the best (unless you own a truck/SUV, then 5 points). Special dispensation: if you own a RWD SUV, -55 points. Update: FWD SUV: -105 points.

Limited-slip differential: 10 points.

Locking differential(s): 5 points per.

5: Engine Location

Front: 0 points

Mid: 10 15 points

Rear: 20 points

Two engines (not electrics/hybrids): 100 points.

6: Transmission

Automatic: 0 points. Special dispensation: Column shift? 10 points. Unless its that weird new BMW/MB column shifter — that gets you -30 points.

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Manual: 20 points. And good for you. Dog-leg 1st gear? Add 10 more.

Manual on the tree: 60 points.

CVT: -20 points. You really don’t get this whole driving thing, do you?

Crashbox: 30 points

Paddle shifters Dual-clutch: 5 take 10 points for your flappy paddles. Unless you have a Ferrari/Maserati-style setup where the paddles are stock-mounted, that’ll net you 30 points.

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Single-clutch automated manual: -10 points (unless you drive a race car, then add 15)

Transmission not original: 15 points.

7: Country of Origin (Home Country of Automaker, not factory location)

China: 0 points

Korea: 0 3 points.

Japan: 1 3 point. Deduct -10 points if you drive a 4-banger slushbox Camry. Yeah, you.

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‘Merica: 5 points. Unless your domestic car was made in Korea — that’s -5 points.

Germany: 10 7 points. Unless you drive a Jetta, then -10 points. New Bug? -100 points.

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Sweden: 15 points.

Britain: 20 Points. You brave man.

Italy: 25 points. You brave fucker.

Eastern Bloc: 30 points.

India: 40 points.

France: 50 points.

FUCK UPUPDATE:: Land of the Raging Hoon (Australia): 75 points (unless you live down under)

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Mixed origin: 100 points. As in your French SM has an Italian engine. Or if your Cobra has a British chassis and a ‘Merican engine that was built in Canada. -90 points if your R-Class was built in Tennessee.

Other (Canada, Israel, Northern Ireland): 13 points. And you’re lucky to be getting them.

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Final assembly location same as country of make: 5 points.

Country of origin no longer exists? 10 points.

Automaker/brand no longer exists? 5 points.

8: POWA! (**might need to adjust these for modern HP numbers**)

0-50 hp: 25 points. You’re very brave.

51-100 hp: 5 points. You’re very poor.

101-160 180 hp: 0 points. Unless you drive a Se7en or a Miata (or any RWD car under 2500 lbs) — that’s +20 points.

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161 181-270 280 hp: 5 points. Not too shabby.

271 281-380 hp: 10 points. We like where you’re going.

381 - 450 hp: 25 points. Awesome. The power sweet spot. Not too hot, not too cold.

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451 - 600 hp: 2 points. You’re rich. Big deal. Unless you drive a Z06. Then we’re jealous and we hate you.

601 - 750 hp: 30 points. You might be rich, but we love your taste in cars.

751 - 1000 hp: 50 points seems about right.

1001+ hp: 100 points. Special dispensation: if you drive a Vector, 1,000,000,000 points!!!

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9: Age

2020/21 model: 10 points. Congratulations.

4 years or younger: 5 points.

5 - 10 years: 0 points.

11 - 20 years: 10 points. You can wrench.

21 - 30 years: 20 points. You can really wrench.

31 - 40 years: 30 points. Can we have a ride? Pretty please?

41 - 50 years: 40 points. When small cars started to make it big.

51 - 60 years: 50 points. The golden age of rad. Sigh...

61+ years old: 60 points (+40 for Pre-WWII, and we tip our cap to you).

10: Other

Color (exterior)! (if not white/black/silver/gray/beige): 10 points.
- Two-tone paint job? Add 3 more.

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Color (interior)! (if not black/gray/beige/tan): 5 points.

Pop-up (or hideaway) headlights: 10 points

Manual seats: 5 points. If driver’s seat is fixed in place, add 10 more.

Factory Recaros, or aftermarket racing buckets: 10 points.

Front bench seat: 2 points.

Sunroof/moonroof: -5 points.

Aftermarket roll protection (cage/roll bar): 5 points.

Cupholders: -5 points for every cupholder.
- zero: 10 5 points
- less than or equal to number of seats: 0 points.
- greater than number of seats: -10 points

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Ashtrays: 5 points for every ashtray. Special dispensation: if your car has more than 5 ashtrays, you get 50 bonus points on top of the 5 points for each ashtray.

Bondo: 10 points for every unpainted patch.

REAL wood trim (interior or exterior): 10 points (wooden frame? 50 points)

Piano black interior trim: -10 points.

Black exterior “window” style piece that’s not actually a window: -10 points.

“Exhaust tips” that aren’t actually connected to the exhaust: -10 points.

Fake vents or hood scoop(s)? -5 for each.

NO FEAR sticker: -1,000 points.

Salt Life sticker: -50 points

Truck Nutz: -100 points. Unless you live in Virginia. Then 500 points.

All-digital dashboard (pre-2015): 25 points.

Working all-digital dashboard: 30 points.

Analog clock: 5 points.

Carbon fiber body panel(s) or monocoque: 25 points.

RHD in a LHD nation (or vice-versa): 10 points.

Metric-only gauges in an Imperial unit country (or vice-versa): 10 points.

Hydropneumatic suspension: 50 points

Waterbed: 6.9 points.

Has been driven in anger on track/autox/rally/hillclimb: 10 points. (Wanted to add this, but opens up a Pandora’s Box of use-based bonuses...)

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UPDATE: If your particular Mazda Protege won LeMons, then give yourself 245 points. If not, no whining.

Point Key: (my edits/additions may have totally screwed this up...)

Negative Points: Consider your life choices.

0 Points: Go ride a bike.

1-5 Points: Edmunds is that way.

6-15 Points: Hey, at least you know what a car is.

16-30 points: That’s a cool car you got there. Time to Sawzall the back off.

31-45 points: It’s no Hoondai Sonata, but it’s pretty good.

46-75 points: You like driving. You even like driving a lot. But why all the compromises, man?

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76-100 120 points: ‘Vettes get ‘em wet, dude. As do turbo-diesel Peugeot wagons.

121-150 160 points: Is that an E39 M5 in your pocket? Or do you have an erection?

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161-200 points Fantasy Garage

201-250 points: Bitchin’ Camino

251+ points: You love cars. Secret cars, concept cars, flying cars, vintage cars, tricked-out cars, red cars, black cars, blonde cars - sometimes, cars just because of the curve of a hood.

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https://jalopnik.com/how-jalopnik-is-your-car-346367

———

With everything being turbocharged these days, it does seem like that should be worth less, and NA might deserve something more that zero. Not sure.

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I think we remain mostly faithful to the old formula, but just make slight edits and additions in line with how things have changed in the past 12 years on the automotive landscape (for example, Mexico and China need to be added to country of origin - final assembly).

Please add your suggestions below, and star or comment to add weight to the changes you agree with. This formula is already long and complex, so I don’t want to take it too much farther off into the weeds, but I do think it’d be fun to have an updated OPPO version of this.

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Illustration for article titled How OPPO Is Your Car? (in progress - rev5 edits - BIG changes since Friday - last chance to make suggestions!)
Photo: .

And if you don’t like the score your car ended up with, try Future next gen S2000 owner’s formula:

I vote for one system/category and one only.

Is your car a soul sucking succubus that you loathe getting into everytime? -1 point

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Do you derive pleasure from your vehicle, whether it be through the steering, a can’t be killed attitude, second glances after you park, or a loving care of maintenance well past the point others just give up? +2 points.

There is no more Oppo car than others. Oppo is an attitude. It’s a loving devotion to doing coolant swaps on time. It’s busted knuckles to get one more year before you have to finally give in and get something newer. It’s syncing multiple carbs so you get that one perfect drive that makes all the other bad days worth it. It’s loving the car you have because you are emotionally attached to it.

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It’s not some weird V5, brown motorcycle convertible. I enjoy my TourX as much as I enjoy my Ram 1500 as much as I enjoyed the Saab before those. Nothing will touch the Mustang I had nor the Daytona but each is Oppo in their own way.

Oppo is emotional attachment. Oppo is love.

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