In the spirit of the original How Jalopnik Is Your Car? from 2008, I present to you the inaugural version of How OPPO Is Your Car? !
Just like each of our beloved cars, nothing is perfect, but thanks to everyone who chimed in with suggestions for this formula over the past few days.
And now, without further delay, here it is:
HOW OPPO IS YOUR CAR? (2020 Edition)
4-Cylinder: 0 points, unless boxer/flat, then 7 points. V4? 14 points.
3-Cylinder: 1 point, unless you have an i8, then 8 points.
2-Cylinder: 50 points. We [heart] Trabants.
1-Cylinder: 100 points. May your Fuldamobil live long and prosper.
5-Cylinder: 6 points. What, you think an Acura Vigor deserves more?
6-Cylinder (V6): 5 points (VR6? Give yourself 3 more).
6-Cylinder (inline): 10 points. Datsun Z, Jeep Cherokee, 3-Series, Dodge Dart? Hell yeah!
6-Cylinder (boxer/flat): 12 points.
8-Cylinder (V8): 15 points.
8-Cylinder (inline): 20 points.
8-Cylinder (flat): I don’t believe you...
10-Cylinder: 25 points.
12-Cylinder (V12): 30 points.
12-Cylinder (Flat): 50 points. Especially if you drive a 917.
16-Cylinder: 100 points.
Rotary: 23 points.
W8/12: 17 points
Turbine: 1 million points. I hear you, Udman.
Hybrid (not 48v systems): Divide your current point total by 1.4 (unless your hybrid has a manual, then 25 points, or unless you own one of the “holy trinity”/other hybrid supercar, then divide by 2.8 - you don’t need any more points!).
Electric: Give 2 points to the guy sitting next you. Just kidding, 6 points.
Aftermarket hybrid/electric conversion: 25 points.
1.b: More engine
Longitudinally mounted: 15 points. Even if you have a 4-banger, that 4-banger could be in a Se7en.
Latitudinally mounted (transverse): -10 points (unless mid/rear-engined, then 1 point).
Slant: 20 points.
Flathead: 25 points.
Throttle bodies: Add 5 points per throttle body.
Carburetor: Add 10 points for each carb.
Air Cooled: 25 points.
Diesel: 10 points (unless you live in Europe).
Engine not original: 15 points.
Normally aspirated: 0 points*.
*(+10 if redline 7000 or greater, +10 if redline less than 3000)
Turbocharged (single): 5 points (+10 for pre-2016 OEM, +10 if not OEM)
Supercharged: 15 points (and 50 more if twin supercharged!)
Twin-Turbo (dual): 20 points
Twin-Turbo (sequential): 30 points
Quad-Turbo: 50 points
Dualcharged (super and turbo): 100 points. We heart the Delta S4.
3: Body Style
4-doors: 0 points. If you have an E39 M5 (or any RWD, manual, V8 sedan),— you get a gold star for stealth. If a 3-door hatch, 7 points for weirdness.
5-door crossover: -5 points (no deduction for a 5-door body-on-frame SUV).
5-door hatchback: 5 points (you know the difference...).
5-door wagon: 10 points.
3-doors: 10 points. Viva la shooting brake!
2-doors: 20 points. Screw practicality.
2-doors (gullwing and/or scissors): 35 points (unless aftermarket, then -17.5).
0-doors: 50 points.
Doors, however many, but they’re welded shut: 100 points.
Ute: 15 points
Camino-ized: 101 points.
Convertible: 15 points (if targa, make it 30).
Hardtop Convertible: -10 points.
4-Door Hardtop Convertible: 15 points
T-Tops: 25 points.
Single-seater: 25 points.
10+ seats: 10 points (how’s your headache?)
Suicide Doors: 50 points (must open independently of other doors).
3.b: Trucks, Crossovers & SUVs *Only* - Body Style
—> skip to 3.c if scoring a car <—
_ * Body on Frame : 10 points.
_ * Unibody: -10 points.
_ * Flatbed: 20 points
_ * Dually: 50 points.
_ * Minivan + manual (or + aftermarket suspension): 25 points.
_ * Panel van: 30 points.
_ * Custom/Conversion Van: 50 points.
3.c: Curb Weight
3000 lbs or less: 10 points.
2000 lbs or less: 20 points, and stay safe out there!
5000 lbs or more (and not an HD pickup): -10 points.
4: Wheels Driven
Front-wheel drive: 0 points. Hey, I love a good front driver as much as the next guy, but you just don’t get any points - sorry! Unless, of course, your car is pre-1970, then... 7 points!
All-wheel drive: 10 points.
4-wheel drive: 15 points. This means you have low gears and you use them. If you have never moved your transfer case, -50 points.
Rear-wheel drive: 20 points. Lets face facts: rear-wheel drive is the best (unless you own a truck/SUV, then 5 points).
Limited-slip differential: 10 points.
Locking differential(s): 5 points per.
5: Engine Location
Front: 0 points (and don’t come lobbying with your front-mid...)
Mid: 15 points
Rear: 20 points
Two engines (not EVs/hybrids): 100 points.
Automatic: 0 points. Special dispensation: column shift? 10 points.
Manual: 20 points. And good for you. Dog-leg 1st gear? Add 10 more.
Manual on the tree: 60 points.
CVT: -20 points. You really don’t get this whole driving thing, do you?
Crashbox: 30 points
Dual-clutch: add 10 points for your flappy paddles.
Single-clutch automated manual: -10 points (unless you drive a race car, then add 15)
Transmission not original: 15 points.
7: Country of Origin (Home Country of Automaker, NOT factory location)
China: 0 points
Korea: 3 points.
Japan: 3 point. Deduct 10 points if you drive a 4-banger slushbox Camry. Yeah, you.
‘Murica: 5 points.
Germany: 7 points.
Sweden: 15 points.
Britain: 20 Points. You brave man.
Italy: 25 points. You brave coglione.
Eastern Bloc: 30 points.
India: 40 points.
France: 50 points.
Land of the Raging Hoon (Australia): 27.5 points (unless you live down under)
Other (Canada, Israel, Northern Ireland): 13 points. And you’re lucky to be getting them.
Final assembly location same as country of make: 5 points.
Country of origin no longer exists? 10 points.
Automaker/brand no longer exists? 5 points.
0-50 hp: 25 points. You’re very brave.
51-100 hp: 5 points. You’re very poor.
101-180 hp: 0 points. Unless you drive a Se7en or a Miata (or any RWD car under 2500 lbs) — that’s +15 points.
181-280 hp: 5 points. Not too shabby.
281-380 hp: 10 points. We like where you’re going.
381 - 450 hp: 25 points. Awesome. The power sweet spot. Not too hot, not too cold.
451 - 600 hp: 2 points. You’re rich. Big deal. Unless you drive a Z06. Then we’re jealous and we hate you.
601 - 750 hp: 30 points. You might be rich, but we love your taste in cars.
751 - 1000 hp: 50 points seems about right.
1001+ hp: 100 points. Special dispensation: if you drive a Vector, 1,000,000,000 points!!!
2020/21 model: 10 points. Congratulations.
4 years or younger: 5 points.
5 - 10 years: 0 points.
11 - 20 years: 10 points. You can wrench.
21 - 30 years: 20 points. You can really wrench.
31 - 40 years: 30 points. Can we have a ride? Pretty please?
41 - 50 years: 40 points. When small cars started to make it big.
51 - 60 years: 50 points. The golden age of rad. Sigh...
61+ years old: 60 points (+40 for Pre-WWII, and we tip our cap to you).
Color (exterior)! (if not white/black/silver/gray/beige): 10 points.
- Two-tone paint job? Add 3 more.
Color (interior)! (if not black/gray/beige/tan): 5 points.
Pop-up (or hideaway) headlights: 10 points
Manual seats: 5 points. If driver’s seat is fixed in place, add 10 more.
Factory Recaros, or aftermarket racing buckets: 10 points.
Front bench seat: 2 points.
Sunroof/moonroof: -5 points (per).
Aftermarket roll protection (cage/roll bar): 5 points.
Cupholders (and yes, those bottle-holders in your doors count):
- zero: 5 points
- less than or equal to number of seats: 0 points.
- greater than number of seats: -10 points
Bondo: 10 points for every unpainted patch.
REAL wood trim (interior or exterior): 10 points (wooden frame? 50 points)
Piano black interior trim: -10 points.
Black exterior “window” style piece that’s not actually a window: -10 points.
“Exhaust tips” that aren’t actually connected to the exhaust: -10 points.
Fake vents or hood scoop(s)? -5 for each.
Salt Life sticker: -50 points
Truck Nutz: -100 points. Unless you live in Virginia. Then 500 points.
All-digital dashboard (pre-2015): 25 points.
Analog clock: 5 points.
Carbon fiber body panel(s) or monocoque: 25 points.
RHD in a LHD nation (or vice-versa): 10 points.
Metric-only gauges in an Imperial unit country (or vice-versa): 10 points.
Hydropneumatic suspension: 50 points
Waterbed: 6.9 points.
Negative Points: Consider your life choices.
0 Points: Go ride a bike.
1-5 Points: Edmunds is that way.
6-15 Points: Hey, at least you know what a car is.
16-30 points: That’s a cool car you got there. Time to Sawzall the back off.
31-45 points: It’s no Hoondai Sonata, but it’s pretty good.
46-75 points: You like driving. You even like driving a lot. But why all the compromises, man?
76-120 points: ‘Vettes get ‘em wet, dude. As do turbo-diesel Peugeot wagons.
121-160 points: Is that an E39 M5 in your pocket?
161-200 points Fantasy Garage
201-250 points: Bitchin’ Camino
251+ points: You love cars. Secret cars, concept cars, flying cars, vintage cars, tricked-out cars, red cars, black cars, blonde cars - sometimes, cars just because of the curve of a hood.
If, after all that, you don’t like the score your car ended up with, try Future next gen S2000 owner’s formula:
I vote for one system/category and one only.
Is your car a soul sucking succubus that you loathe getting into everytime? -1 point
Do you derive pleasure from your vehicle, whether it be through the steering, a can’t be killed attitude, second glances after you park, or a loving care of maintenance well past the point others just give up? +2 points.
There is no more Oppo car than others. Oppo is an attitude. It’s a loving devotion to doing coolant swaps on time. It’s busted knuckles to get one more year before you have to finally give in and get something newer. It’s syncing multiple carbs so you get that one perfect drive that makes all the other bad days worth it. It’s loving the car you have because you are emotionally attached to it.
It’s not some weird V5, brown motorcycle convertible. I enjoy my TourX as much as I enjoy my Ram 1500 as much as I enjoyed the Saab before those. Nothing will touch the Mustang I had nor the Daytona but each is Oppo in their own way.
Oppo is emotional attachment. Oppo is love.