2015 "What car is that NFL player?" Revamped

Last year, I fucked up. Like, a lot.

Have you ever re-read an essay that you wrote in high school and instantly been embarrassed like you haven’t been since the days that you were actually in high school? It’s an internal anxiousness that feels like your gut is doing a face-palm. I experienced it today when I looked back at my articles from last year.


I rambled. I used bad grammar. I misspelled things. I lost the comedy; I ran out of steam after a while and just puked up statistics to make my far-fetched analogies work. Worst of all: I got a lot of the players wrong. This is my attempt at making seven of them correct.

I called Brandon Marshall a simple bitch

Last year’s comparison: Marshall and a Mini. Photo credits: Bleacher Report, Motor Trend

That wasn’t very nice of me. I apologize. He proved critics wrong by breaking every single-season receiving record in the Jets’ books. He surpassed all expectations. For that reason, I would like to change my choice to the Tesla Model S p90D.

Traditional thinking says that electric cars are boring, lightweight, slow, and impractical. In the time it took you to read that sentence, the Tesla would accelerate from zero to 100 MPH. It has a range of 253 miles and 713 foot-pounds of instant torque. It’s also luxurious.


It takes your predictions of what an electric car should be and snaps them at the neck. Marshall takes your expectations of what a Jets passing game should be, ignores them, and shreds cornerbacks with ease.

Photo credits: New York News, Robb Report

Manning is not a robot, after all

Manning and last year’s comparison, the autonomous Audi A7. Photo credits: CBS Sports, W

I compared Peyton to an autonomous car because of the way he used to play: like a cold, calculated machine. Not so much, anymore. He finished the season as the Super Bowl’s most valuable corpse, propped up by the hottest defense in the league like Weekend at Bernie’s.

So what is a fair comparison? There are a few options.

  1. A terrible car filling a economy segment for an otherwise great company (i.e. Ford Festiva).
  2. An old, German, luxury car that used to be hot shit. Now it has so many broken things that it barely works, yet still costs you a ton of money.
  3. My personal favorite: A rusty Chevrolet, like the one made popular by Da Yoopers

Take your pick. And have a couple Budweisers. I’m so happy this sell-out is finally done playing. Good riddance.

Photo credit: CBS Sports

I wasted the Ariel Atom V8 on Melvin Gordon

Photo credits: ESPN, Ariel Atom

I could have given that to so many better players.

This is a double douche of fuck-up-edness. See, I picked Marcus Mariota to be the next flop QB out of Oregon (Akili Smith, Joey Harrington, etc.), much like the Dodge Dart follows the Shadow and Neon. Meanwhile, here is a list of Wisconsin running backs who dominated in the college game:

  • Ron Dayne
  • Michael Bennett
  • Brian Calhoun
  • P.J. Hill
  • John Clay
  • “Is Montee gonna have to choke a bitch?” Ball

Holy shit. I can’t even think of a car that has been horrible for that many generations, yet still sells like crazy. Here, have a tuk tuk.

Photo from Wikipedia because where else would I get it?

Who the hell is David Cobb?

And why did I write about him? Seriously, I forgot that this person existed. So did the Titans, which is why, this offseason, they drafted Alabama’s Derrick Henry and traded for DeMarco Murray.


LaSalle. Cord. Kaiser. Nash. Stutz. Mercer. Tucker. I don’t care; pick any defunct car manufacturer that nobody remembers. That’s him.

Photo credit: Bangshift

Please don’t eat me, Michael Oher

Photo credits: Fox Sports, How Stuff Works

I called Oher the DeLorean because it wasn’t as good as Hollywood made it look. He had a solid bounce-back season in 2015, starting all 16 games for the NFC Champion Carolina Panthers.

Did you know you can have a DeLorean completely redone to make it a fantastic automobile even by modern standards? There are companies that do it. Check out Matt Farah’s version here. Or here.


For that reason, I’m not changing my choice of car, but upgrading it to a pristine version of what the car should have been. Oher is still the DeLorean: the car that was supposed to be great, but then it wasn’t, and is now becoming the legend that it already was.

I got Todd Gurley correct by accident

Photo credits: Bleacher Report, Gearheads.com

I said Gurley was like the new Ford Bronco, a supposed beast that I wasn’t going to believe existed until I actually saw it happen.

But guess what?! It actually IS happening!


And Gurley IS a beast!

I totally called it.

I underestimated the MVP

Last, but certainly not least, I wrongly compared Cam Newton to the Cadillac Escalade. I said he was the flashy, expensive facade over the metaphorical Tahoe that is an average quarterback. Boy, was I wrong.


Except for one play when it mattered:

Which reminded me a lot of this:

But aside from that horrible display of cowardice, defenses should fear Cam Newton. The man made plays that shouldn’t be humanly possible, and he did it almost every week. last season. He truly made the greatest strides as a passer of anyone in recent memory. He had the ability to fire it into coverage and also to air it out over the receiver’s shoulder. Oh, he’s a pretty decent runner, too.

The athleticism of Cam Newton is remarkable. That’s why his new comparable car is the V8 Bowler Wildcat. If you don’t know what that is, think racecar plus off road truck.


Here’s a clip from early Old New Top Gear (about 4 minutes is when a pro driver takes over):

It is a dual threat, like Cam, that can beat you no matter how you want to try and beat it. On dirt, on road, passing game, rushing game. Good luck.

Photo credits: SportingNews, carsbase.com

Well, I’m glad that’s all cleared up. My conscience is much clearer. I hope you can forgive my mistakes; I realize that you trusted me with this critical, need-to-know information and I failed you. That’s why I’m demoting myself. Tune in next time when we find out What Car is that Dancing with the Stars Partner!


(Hint: they’re all better choices for the Ariel Atom than Melvin Gordon)

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