Analysts at the Federal Bureau of Personal Habits and Statistics, an obscure FDR-era office that measures low-priority trends in society, reported a dangerous trend Monday morning: Very few people have changed their cars’ clocks since last week’s “fall back” time change from Daylight Saving to Standard Time. Only 17% of drivers have changed their clocks, according to the study.
Initial followup data from around 1,000 drivers who responded to the FBPHS phone survey indicate that only around 25% of the remaining drivers intend to change their clocks at all, citing a range of reasons from “lack of importance” to “vehicle complexity.”
“The most telling part of these data is that, among the 17% of drivers we call ‘Active Clockchangers,’ more than 90% drive vehicles whose clocks adjust automatically due to Internet connectivity,” states FBPHS Chief Economist Dr. Martin Freedman. “When you normalize for the inclusion of ‘smart vehicles,’ the trend is extremely troubling. People across the nation may love to complain about the DST/ST transition periods in March and November, but statistics show it’s more of a casual conversation topic than a genuine concern.”
Dr. Freedman urges all drivers to pull out their owner’s manuals or find rambling, five-minute videos on YouTube for assistance in changing their car clocks. “Car clock studies represent over 60% of our research since 1970, so it’s vitally important we continue to study this issue in order to maintain funding. And public safety — being on time for work, not missing your kids’ soccer practice, things like that.”
“By the time the March time change rolls around, your brain has already adjusted for the change and you’re set up for another disaster.”
The FBPHS has been on the Trump Administration’s chopping block for nearly a year, labeled by the President as “Fake Stats” and “Pork but not the delicious kind” in a series of tweets in the 2016 campaign season. However, since the FBPHS is based in Indiana, observers believe that political ties to Vice President Mike Pence are keeping the agency afloat.
Indiana has long fought against the recognition of Daylight Saving Time and has repeatedly threatened to secede from the United States if not allowed to move back to a single, year-round Standard Time. However, that movement has been downplayed in recent years, despite a 1998 nationwide effort to reduce First World Problems by more than 80% by 2020 – a goal that has been an abject failure in every metric, since the proliferation of the Internet has made every little problem a priority for everyone.
Director of the alt-right Reddit photography and anti-DST group “Indianans Against the Dark,” a man known only as @WhiteBalance, insists that its aim is to ensure adequate daylight in the evenings and nothing more. “With one more hour of light in the afternoon, we can ensure enough time to arrange photo shoots, buy our khakis, test-fire our sniper rifles, or whatever it is people like to do in the afternoon.”