Hello JK owners! First let me say congratulations. There is now a Jeep that is newer than yours. As I’m sure you all know, every Jeep newer than the generation that you own is an abomination that must be shunned. For the last 11 years it was YOU the JK owners that carried the burden of having the shitty new Jeep. But now, with the reveal of the new JL Wrangler you no longer are stuck with the worst Jeep ever made! However, it’s not time to celebrate yet. There’s a lot of work to be done before you’re truly ready to pass the torch of shame on to the next generation.
CJ, YJ, and TJ owners have all gone through this process before and now it’s your turn to join us in the traditional hating of the new Jeep! To help you though this exciting and emotional time I have prepared this simple step by step guide on how exactly to hate new Jeeps while establishing the JK as the last truly great Jeep.
Step 1 - Announce the death of Jeep:
The first step is the most important. Jeep has suffered many deaths over its 76 year existence. In a futile and foolish attempt to keep up with market and regulatory demands, Jeep’s many owners made various changes to the very core and soul of Jeep itself ultimately leading to the total death and failure of the brand.
These announcements usually take the form of “Jeep died in _______ when _______ took over and made the ________.”
Let’s look at a few examples of past deaths:
“Jeep died in 1970 when AMC took over and made the CJ-7.”
“Jeep died in 1987 when Chrysler took over and made the YJ.”
“Jeep died in 1997 when Daimler took over and made the TJ.”
“Jeep died in 2007 when Chrysler took over again and made the JK.”
So now say it with me, “Jeep died in 2018 when Fiat took over and made the JL.”
Now of course some people may not understand why a new model immediately marks the death of Jeep. That’s why we need to explain it to them in simple terms.
Step 2 - Develop a rallying cry:
Every new Jeep has changes. Everyone hates changes. Choose what you believe is the most egregious of these changes and form your campaign behind it. The fact that the new Jeep has or doesn’t have this feature means that it isn’t a real Jeep. This will be your rallying cry. Put it on bumper stickers, in your signature, your flair, or in the posts you make. Let’s take a look at some past examples:
Real Jeeps have round headlights!
Real Jeeps have two doors!
Real Jeeps don’t have air conditioning!
Real Jeeps have leaf spring suspension!
Real Jeeps don’t have power locks and windows!
Now let’s try some of our own,
Real Jeeps don’t have an 8 speed transmission!
Real Jeeps don’t have LED fender lights!
Real Jeeps don’t have an electric drivetrain!
Here we’ve established what makes the new Jeep an objectively terrible vehicle, however not everyone will be convinced by a simple catch phrase. That’s where step 3 comes in!
Step 3 - Craft your long form rant:
Express your displeasure at the dilution of the Jeep community. Establish blame for the death of Jeep. These statements serve the duel purpose of disparaging new Jeep owners and discouraging others from following in their footsteps. This one is easy. Just fill in the blanks.
“These new (Model) owners. A bunch of (Group of people typically not associated with Jeep) and (Second Group of people not associated with Jeep) who care more about looks than capability. Jeeps were never meant to have (New feature) but these (Groups chosen before) won’t buy a car without them. What’s next? (Absurd luxury feature)? What happened to making the most capable vehicle they could make? You can’t even get a (Removed feature) anymore because most of these people won’t do any more off-roading than the grass at their local (Location popular with new generation’s current “hip” crowd). It’s not even a real Jeep anymore it’s just (Jeep brand’s current owner) trash. And they’re so expensive too. These people drop (Current MSRP, fully loaded) for what’s basically just a (modern vehicle generally viewed as “uncool”) with the Jeep logo. And the ones who modify their Jeeps are just as bad. It’s all just bolt on (Low end parts supplier) bumpers and (Newest vehicle lighting technology) lights. All about appearance and nothing about substance. AND THEY NEVER WAVE!”
See? it’s easy when you can just reuse old arguments! Now that the Jeep world knows that you’re mad, what do you do?
Step 4 - Attack the JL Owners:
These people are ruining Jeep and they need to know it! They’re no better than people who bought the Compass. If you see one on this subreddit or elsewhere on other forums let them know that they don’t drive a real Jeep and aren’t welcome here. I know it seems harsh but believe me, the only way to make sure the Jeep community survives is to make sure no new people are allowed in ever.
Respond to simple questions with total distain. Downvote pictures of stock JLs or new purchases. Make sure nobody feels welcome. Don’t tell them about the trails you like or offer to go off-roading with them. They are unworthy. If they wanted to get into Jeeps they should have done it the way you did it. You earned your Jeep. You scoured the earth looking for that perfect restorable Jeep. You spent countless hours rebuilding every nut and bolt from scratch. You didn’t just waltz into some dealership and finance some bland new car. You built your Jeep.*
* Note: If you bought your JK new from a dealership then you should instead tell JL owners that they should have gone back in time and bought a new JK like you did.
By now it should be clear to the JL people where they stand in the community. Now we need to make sure it stays that way.
Step 5 - Maintain The New Status Quo:
This may be the hardest part. As more and more JL owners begin to flood the roads and trails you need to make sure you stick to your guns. The new JL owners may seem nice. Their Jeeps may seem cool or even Jeep like but make no mistake, they are still driving an objectively worse vehicle than yours.
NEVER concede that there are good things about the new Jeep. Avoid the mistakes others have made in the past such as:
“Man I wish I had air conditioning in my Jeep.”
“Coils do ride better on the road.”
“Power locks actually sound pretty nice in cold weather.”
“Your Jeep DOESN’T leak everywhere?”
Saying nice things about the new Jeep should be seen as a sign of weakness. You’re not weak. You’re a JK owner.
You may find yourself admiring the JL from afar. You may start reading great things on automotive websites. You may even feel a desire to test drive one yourself. Resist this temptation. The JK is the greatest Jeep ever made.
I’m not going to lie to you dear JK owners, Step 5 is where most people fail. For years Jeep owners have tried to definitively prove that their Jeep is the last great Jeep, yet despite this Jeep sales continue stronger than ever. Maybe this can change with you. If enough people hate on the JL with enough forcefulness, you can not only make sure that people know that the JK is the last great Jeep, but make sure that the JK is also the last Jeep period.
Which is what we all want… right?
That concludes today’s tutorial.
*Credit goes to the guy who posted this on my Facebook group.