I reached a point at my old job where I didn’t want to be there anymore, but knew I couldn’t be fired. I somewhat went off of the rails at some point with not giving a fuck.

Here is a mostly complete list of things I did that I think I should have been fired for:

I took ten minute smoking breaks every hour. So consistently that at least one email a day from my department head would begin with “when you’re back from smoking on the roof, please come to my office.”

I routinely insinuated that our assistant for administration was 1) an alcoholic and 2) sexually aggressive. “While you were out enjoying your day off, harassing construction workers and drinking in the gutter, some of us were here in the trenches. (She’s the only coworker I still speak to).

Once when aforementioned assistant for administration was out, I set up shop at the her desk and printed out a sign that declared me to be the “Admiral for Administration” and spent most of the day being surly.


At least once a week, I would use my lunch breaks to drink. I spoke of this openly.

I would walk in the stairwell singing, because I liked how my voice sounded in the stairwell. One time, probably after drinking, I was singing Ol’ Man River when I happened upon a black coworker of mine hiding out instead of working. His response was “I don’t think either of us is going mention this.” He was one of my closest friends and the only person who gave less of a fuck than me. He gave me a bottle of gin the day I left. I miss him.


One time in that stairwell, our director, who is British was walking down it as I was walking up. We briefly played a game of chicken, which I won, and then I remarked “in America, we drive on the right.”

I used coarse language quite a bit.

Once, in a truly epic April fool’s, I faxed a very serious forged letter to the office. It sort of got away from me and I had to go into my boss’ office and explain that it was a practical joke. Her response was that the admin who brought the letter “takes her job seriously, unlike some people.”


I engaged in multiple workplace romances, one of which hilariously ended up with me in HR explaining that I couldn’t sexually harass someone I was dating after some asshole with a grudge dropped a dime on me.

One time I stole a joke from The Office and gave a coworker who didn’t like me two identical photographs and told him to try and spot five differences. He still didn’t like me after that.


I made a message system on the ceiling using a pulleymade out of string and a paper clip to exchange messages with a friend in the office.

I bought a lockpick kit and spent a week going to different coworkers and betting them that I could open their office or desk drawers without a key.


I had an Italian coworker I didn’t like, I went out of my way to mangle Italian words and place names to get under her skin

One day I declared that I was “going to make yo-yo’s a thing again” and spent the entire day playing with a yoyo.


I won a bet that I could walk in stilettos better and more confidently than a coworker.