A Very Oppositelock Royal Wedding

It was morning and Meghan ran her long fingers through Harry’s thick tuft of red chest hair to wake her royal man.

“We have to talk,” she implored.

“About what, my Duchess?” he mumbled, still half asleep.

“Duchess? Hmmph.”

“What would you rather be?”

“I’d rather you be the Earl of Sandwich. Then I could call you Sammy and have a Sammich for breakfast.”


“If I were an Earl, I’d be the Duke of Earl’s and you would still be a Duchess.”

“Hmmmph, Meghan said. “We still have to talk.”

“About what?”



“We have to get in a procession of cars to drive from the wedding in the drafty old church to the reception in that drafty old castle.”

“So. We’ll climb in a Roller and go.”

“A Roller! A Rolls Royce! Do I look like your Grandma!”

“Keep your voice down. She could have us killed. You know, she’s 300 years old and still commands a team of armed assassins. Though they usually spend their time out on the A25, fixing flat tires. You know she was a mechanic during the great war, don’t you?”


“Yes, of course. But what will we ride in? I know. How about my ’58 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz?”


Meghan Markel’s 1958 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz

“It’s pink!” Harry exclaimed.

“Yes, and still better looking that a Rolls. Silver Ghost, Silver Shadow, Silver Wraith. Let’s try Silver truck.”


“Well, we could take the McLaren F1 three seater,” Harry posited. “I’m sure we could have the designer, Gordon Murray, remove the roof. The two of us could sit on top of the seats and do the wave.”

“A McLaren! First you want to ride in a truck. Then on the back of a bug.”

“A Volkswagen? We’ll have no German cars in this family.”

“Rolls Royce is owned by BMW!”

“So it is. What do you suggest?”

“Well, I agree the Eldorado isn’t suited for our wedding. But…” she hesitated. “It still has to be a Cadillac. And not any Cadillac. It has to be a 1975 Cadillac Coupe de Ville ! Preferably with bull horns on the hood! And the roof removed. Because we can. We know people And it’s more fun to say Coupe de Ville, than de Ville convertible.”


‘62 de Ville Convertible described as a 1959 Series 62 Coupe de Ville convertible.


Here’s a ‘66 two door de Ville convertible, which is how the author imagines a ‘75 Coupe de Ville would look without a roof.


“A Coupe de Ville! I’m marrying a vulgarian.”

“Say that again.”



“Coupe de Ville.”

“See. It rolls off the tongue. It’s fun to say.”

“How is that any better than a Lincoln Continental convertible? I fancy those.”

“Suicide doors. President Kennedy was killed in one. It’s not a happy car. And anyway, the Coupe de Ville is the most American car, the Cadillac of cars owned by successful men and women. Acres of steel and only two doors, both big as a barn door. My cousin Bernard in Detroit owns one. He got it when he became a big auto engineer. And Mr. Lee, who runs the Korean restaurant we enjoyed last month in Burbank. He bought one when his business took off. And my other cousin, Tex, the oil man. He buys one every time he hits a gusher. Or he did. Now he buys one every time he fracks. And my aunt Alice. She bought one when the stock market paid off for her.”


“How about a Jaguar…a Daimler. We have a fleet of Mark IVs.”


“And you think they still run !”

“But, I’m not just a Brit. And a Royal. I’m a British military man. We must have a British car. It honors my mates…But I have an idea…You know Jay Leno don’t you?” 


The American actress shook her head yes. 


On the day of their wedding, the Prince and his bride were stunning as they left the church. Three WWII British Spitfires flew overhead, their 12 cylinder turbocharged Rolls Royce Merlin engines pounding the sky. The couple waved to the crowd and climbed into their red Cadillac Coupe de Ville - Convertible. The paint was blinding and its hood was at least 10 feet long. It’s engine burst to life. Twelve exhaust pipes shot through the hood, blasting a blue cloud of sound into the air, as if to high five the planes flying above.

“You know Meghan,” said the Prince. “I think the Merlin V-12 engine is very well suited for your Cadillac. Coupe de Ville indeed.


Offyatindy, like his idols Ted Turner and Ben Franklin, is a sign man and printer, but bets those guys have never wrapped or lettered a truck. He owns rights to this mostly fictional story, except as described in the Oppositelock terms of service. Three of the Cadillac owners described above were based on real people, but he changed the names. Offyatindy is also a big fan of Jon Voight jokes. Offyatindy took the photo of the Cadillac. The others came from Wikipedia. If you are interested in signs, or truck and car wrapping and lettering, or want to reprint this story, please visit http://www.tgracks.com.

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