Hello all! It's just past ten on a Sunday evening, which means it's time for your random and not at all planned advice post. Today's topic is something near and dear to all of us: namely, procrastination. Now you might be wondering: "Uncle CB, why are you writing this?" To which I respond: "I'm not an uncle. Not yet. And I'll kill the man who makes me one. But yeah, I'm procrastinating." Which is something I feel that we can all relate to.

We all know how it starts off: you get a due date for something. It could be to write an essay, or finish up some sort of business plan, or use a certain number of colons in online posts in order to make yourself seem smarter than you actually are. But the due date is really far away. Reaaaally far away. You think to yourself, "gee, that's in the future. Plenty of time to not care about it now. Future me can deal with this later. I bet he's an asshole with a jetpack. Fuck future me."


And so you wait. Time passes. Seasons change. TV shows get cancelled. And then it's a few days before it's due. Once again, you begin to think: "Man, I've done more with less time. I can give it a few more days. Besides, I still need to find out how the hell to use a colon."

And then it's two days before whatever it is is due. You look at the requirements, your heart drops, you rush outside, collapse to your knees, and shout towards the sky: "Damn you, past me! You fucked present me, not future me! Your lack of conceptual grasp of time and space have ruined us all!"

And the clock really begins ticking. But you still don't have the energy to do it. You spend more and more time thinking about when you'll start working. In a minute. In ten. After this video. After I piss. After I learn how to love again. Maybe I have enough time to wank?

Then your thoughts grow dark. You think that maybe, just maybe, if something tragic were to happen to you (car accident, dead loved one, broken leg, failed colon, you pick), then you won't have to do it. But of course, that time begins slipping away. Then you think, "well, what if the person I need to hand it in to pushes the deadline back?" You begin praying for something, anything. Here, one of two things could happen:

1. You have to rush in order to finish the task, resulting in lost sleep, sanity, and a result that looks more like a Malibu than a Tesla in terms of how it turns out.


2. The miracle of miracles happens: the deadline gets pushed back.

And so, ladies, gentlemen, obscene persons, and bookshelves, it's finally happened: my deadline was pushed back. No longer is my paper due tomorrow, but Wednesday. Maybe because I spent all day hoping for an extension, maybe by cosmic coincidence, I don't know. Of course, the issue that pushed it back sounds like a personal tragedy for the professor, so now I feel like an asshole who bribed the gods to kill someone so I could be lazy (I don't know if someone died, I'm just assuming the worst). And this means that I am pretty much going to write off any work I was planning on doing tonight and replacing it with sleeping.


So the moral of the story? Procrastination sucks, and even if you get an extension, you're going to keep procrastinating. You lazy fuck.

Colon count: 12

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