If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever tree you just knocked over, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck in the clouds, which apparently is the majority of this weather system, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of hurricane force winds and general vacation-planning interactions with Ned [Redacted].
I do not give a flying fuck, and Ned [Redacted] does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to make it cold as shit in Chicago. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to make Chicagoans freeze their balls off, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.
Newsflash you stupid cocks: NED DOESN'T LIKE SHITTY WEATHER. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't provide weather in the future for anywhere but the dust bowl and tornado alley.
"But God!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been bringing rain so all the crops can grow, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T.
"Ohhh God, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that brings torrential downpours to Chicago in June or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit like call yourself a 'Derecho', this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO THE MIDWEST TONIGHT.
I would rather have 40 degree weather that is fun, lets planes fly, and is not fucking awkward than 80 degree weather that ruins everything like fucking faggots. Seriously. I swear to fucking Myself if I see a single streak of lightning being a goddamn boner tonight, I will tell you to leave even if you're heat lightning. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.