If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

ATTN Hyundai, I Have Your Alphanumeric System

I’m sure all of you at Hyundai have found that alphanumerics suck when all the best ones are taken (thanks alot Audi and Mazda). Well fear no more, Wobbles has a system that even Johan de Nysschen would say, “I’ve seen better,” then return to his jai alai match against Mary Barra. All this done free of charge after you pay me in car wash vouchers and cold cuts.

Let’s start with when to change model names. Under no circumstances do you change the nomenclature before you change the models. That’s like me handing you a chocolate chip cookie, telling you it’s a chocolate chip cookie, letting you bite it and tell me it is indeed a chocolate chip cookie, then me slapping the cookie out of your hands and exclaiming, “No! It’s Cake!” But if I hand you a brand new chocolate chip cookie, say it’s outmeal-raisin, even after you find it to be what you know as the previous chocolate chip cookie, part of you will always doubt that and call it outmeal-raisin when you recommend it to other people to consume. You’ll say something like, “It’s oatmeal-raisin but it tastes exactly like chocolate chip!” Whammy, my product is now known for phenomenal tasting raisins. (Yes I’m eating cookies right now for breakfast, Im an adult so I do adult things). Anyways, the takeaway is to not change model names until you have a new model or at least a mid-cycle refresh. *Please forward to Cadillac.

Let’s start with what the current models and concepts would become when Genesis is spun off as its own brand.

Starting Lineup

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Genesis GQ-series: Midsize Sedan lineup

Genesis GQ200 - turbo 4-cyl
Genesis GQ300 - NA V6
Genesis GQ400 - TT V6
Genesis GQ500 - NA V8

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Genesis EQ-series: Fullsize Sedan lineup

Genesis EQ400: TT V6
Genesis EQ500: NA V8

Now we know a version of the current Genesis Sedan is coming with two doors, so we’ll need a system for designating this body style variant. Perhaps a classical French term that will evoke romance and heritage? A word that stands out, yet feels somehow familiar. How about something truly daring, like the term “coupe?” Granted, customers will be a bit confused why there are only two doors, but they’ll learn over time to associate the term with a two door variation of the respective model.

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Possible EQ-Series Coupe for example

The Nomenclature System

The model series is denoted by the first letter.

  • H for compact
  • G for midsize
  • E for fullsize.

The second letter is the body style.

  • Q for sedan
  • P for CUVs and SUVs

Thus the GQ-series would be a midsize sedan, and the GP-series would be a midsized CUV. A GQ-series Coupe, would be a midsized two door variant of the GQ, and a GP-series Coupe, would be an abomination based on the midsize CUV.

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The three digit numbers denotes the hierarchy of engine performance (and thus trim level).

  • 200 - lowest (turbo-4cyl)
  • 300 - low-mid (NA V6)
  • 400 - high mid (TT V6)
  • 500 - highest (NA V8)

Any time a smaller engine supersedes a larger engine in performance, the last digit is replaced with the letter N. So if you have a GQ400 making 400hp, and a GQ500 making 455hp, no issues. But say you take the TT-V6 and bump the power up to 467hp. Now you have a GQ40N.

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Of course an N appearance package will be needed. Maybe instead of going with N-sport we can call it N-lite (get it, enlight?!)

I guess they could still use HTRAC for the AWD system, but maybe offer a super-handling version called NTRAC.

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Actually, there’s alot you can do with N branding! N-lign for the special system of tire alignment only available at the dealership. N-gauges for the special all LCD instrument panel. Not to be confused with N-gage, the controller for placing the vehicle into Eco, Normal, Sport, Sport Plus, and Nsane! mode. Don’t confuse Nsane! mode with N-sane mode, which where all traction and stability controls are fully engaged, seatbelts tightened, and throttle/steering responses retarded (also known as standard Hyundai mapping).

No system is without its flaws, but I think this is the right amount of confusion and aggravation to charge a premium for. You’re welcome Korea!

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