Joy of joys! Oppo's resident…..me…..has returned to talk about my utterly hilarious and sometimes pitiful enthusiasm for cars! Welcome to Ben Talks Cars, think of it like a RCR car stories, or whatever, where I loosen up a bit after work and clog up your computer screen with idiocy! Tonight's (not sure if this will be regular, i'd like it to be) topic: Fuckin' Cadillac. Because we know how much I neglect them. Anyway- Lets begin. I have the weirdest relationship with cadillac. I hate them, think they're an almost but not quite good idea for a luxury car (HRRNHRHRHRNHHNNNNNG LETS MAKE THEM ALL STRAIGHT LINES) and my official opinion of them ranges from complete inattention to mild dislike- meanwhile- I AM FUCKING OBSESSED WITH THEM. They're brash, extravagant, polarizing, somehow they stand out in an imitation game and one of the biggest corporations ever is somehow making their flagship brand the underdog of mainstream luxury (did I mention I wouldn't be sober for this? try to follow along). They are pretty much exactly what America's- not just GM's Flagship brand is. They have a stigma, it seems, of being the sort of wild west gunslinger of the luxury game. The germans are over there trying to be serious, perfectly engineered, and have the best shit that you'd never think of (active seats?!) to the point that they come up with every possible technology, and then overlook the basics (CUPHOLDERS.) Cadillac, meanwhile, is over here pretty much swilling jack daniels and shooting a pistol off, while decked out in the gaudiest western style suit, boots, and hat you can think of, Bringing some much needed fun in the land of stiff upper lips and poise. Here's the thing about cadillac- i feel like since 1949, they just didn't give a fuck, and deciding that flying cars were a lost cause, just decided that they should look like they fly. They took a break for about 30 years or so to be pretty much houses on wheels (in size and comfort) But are right back to making cars that look like they came from the past's future.
Look at those. Do you see a single one that looks like it gives even a quarter of a fuck? No. It's big, it's glamorous, and its letting you know HI. I COST WAY MORE MONEY THAN I SHOULD HAVE. SUCK MUH DIIIIIIICK. And that, that is what it's all about. It's not all about how much math has gone into the car's LASER CLIMATE CONTROL, It's about whose balls are slapping that cute barrista's ass harder at the end of the day after making sex eyes over your coffee exchange. You want to be the best on paper and put fucking everything you got into being theoretically perfect, or do you want to be the flawed but fun son of a bitch who everyone wants at their parties. Which is it- committee meetings, or doing sake shots at that hibachi place that has a stream running through it with the investors from kyoto. Your call. Although not perfect, these cars sure are something special. Something about a caddy gets the blood flowing just right.