Sometimes, when life gets chaotic, I like to unwind by going out and doing some bird watching. If you missed the previous episode, you can find it here:
This episode will be a bit larger than the last one, as I have now hired Blue Jay as an assistant! Whatever he may lack in skill and experience, he makes up for by being
a psycho, possibly homicidal, passionate about weapons, generally creepy, sketchy as heck, a Justin Bieber fan, cheap and eager! And his therapist tells me he shows much promise.
First up, we have a Red-cheeked Cordon-bleu! And... wait a minute, I thought these were native to Africa? Hmm. He must be a foreign exchange student. Good for him, I suppose! These exotic finches tend to be very small, measuring only about 5 inches long on average, and weighing about the same as three pennies. They’re quite self-conscious about it, though, so don’t point it out to them, or else you will likely be shunned.
Ah! And here we have an American Robin. This particular robin’s name is Tyrone. He was recently voted sexiest bird alive by “Tweet Deets” magazine (a major publication in bird society). Which is a good thing, because he’s not exactly bright. For example, he often gets confused and tries to mate with about 40% of all things he encounters. In fact, he’s trying to mate with that bush right now. Tyrone is an idiot. But we love him.
Here’s another American Robin, but something about this guy seems a bit off to me. I’m not sure why, there’s just something not quite right about him...
Hepatic Tanagers are renowned archaeologists. Here we see the Hepatic Tanager couple from the last episode uncovering an ancient sword. How exciting!
Blue Jay pointed this one out to me. I am unfamiliar with this type of bird, but it sure seemed to be in a hurry to get somewhere. And it had the most peculiar song as well, sounding almost like thunder. In fact, I think I hear another weird bird call approaching, and...
SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT, IT’S BACK. Every time I try to make a bird watching series, this stupid non-bird sabotages it! But no more... Blue Jay, get this fiend out of here!
Whoa, whoa, calm down, Blue Jay! I wanted you to get it out of here, not fight it to the dea- are you even listening to me? What are you doing!? Blue Jay!
CAREFUL, THERE’S A CLIFF! WATCH OUT FOR THE-
Aaaaaaaaaand I just became a witness. It’s going to be fine, it’s going to be fine... I’ll just call the bird authorities and tell them that this was simply a tragic accident, NOTHING MORE, and- WOULD YOU STOP SMILING, BLUE JAY!!??
Alright, moving on, here we have a Baltimore Oriole! These purty birdies are known for their lovely songs. Roughly translated, the lyrics of the Baltimore Oriole’s song are: “I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!!! I WANT YOU TO SHOW MEEE! I WANNA FEEL WHAT LOVE IS... I KNOW YOU CAN SHOW ME!”
While many bird species have differently-colored males and females, Baltimore Orioles are somewhat sloppy in this respect. Mature males and females do indeed look different, but immature males tend to look like mature females. However, this does not stop immature males from finding mates and raising families anyways. And the females’ feathers continue to get darker and more orange as they get older, until they start looking like males. This is why orioles tend get really awkward when trying to find a mate...
And here we see the oriole’s home, a... damp, smelly hole? Wait, this isn’t right... Why are you living in a hole, oriole? You’re not supposed to live in a hole! Okay, he informs me that he can live wherever the heck he darn well pleases. I suppose I can’t argue with that...
And now, Blue Jay, could you fetch us some lunch?
That is not what I meant. I meant something like Taco Bell. Please let Tyrone go.
And here we have our first celebrity guest! It’s Hedwig, from the Harry Potter serie- I can’t do this anymore. That’s just Blue Jay in a crappy costume. Honestly, we were going to have Hedwig here, but as soon as she arrived, Blue Jay told her that she smells different when she’s awake, and, well, that was the end of that. Good job, Blue Jay.
Ooh... It looks like they’re trying to put the poor thing back together. Either that or this is like a scene out of “The Cars That Ate Paris,” in which case I probably shouldn’t stick around. Either, way I feel bad. Let’s get outta here.
What the... Tyrone, what are you doing with that pine cone!?
Don’t try to hide it, I already saw you. You need help, man.
And now Blue Jay informs me that he has spotted a European Robin! European Robins, interestingly enough, are not actually robins, which are members of the thrush family. Instead, European Robins are actually flycatchers, and... wait a minute...
That is not a European Robin! I mean it is, but it’s a freaking Reliant, not a bird! How do these things keep sneaking in here? And Blue Jay, how can you not tell the difference between a British three-wheeler and a bird? I expect better from-
(gasp!) TYRONE, NO!
Here’s the Red-cheeked Cordon-Bleu again. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I get the feeling something fishy is going on here...
Here’s the party tree, where... Oriole, what is this the heck that this is? Why? What on Earth are you doing? Oriole? Oriole!?
(sigh) Go home Reliant Robin, you’re drunk. Or at least (snicker) tipsy...
Oh, hello, what’s this?
OH NO, IT’S BACK! And it has allies! And it seeks revenge! Blue Jay, help me! Blue Jay? Where did you go? What do you mean you don’t want anyone to see you right now? Well I don’t care if Taco Bell gives you the squirts, I need you! This couldn’t have waited until later? Blue Jay? BLUE JAY!!!!