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Birds without beaks

So a while ago, a certain Western Tanager approached me requesting funds for a scientific experiment. I couldn’t quite understand all the science words he was saying, but it sounded very interesting and I’m all for supporting avian science, so I gave him the funds. A month later, I checked in on him to see what he had so far, and said “I’ve made significant advances in teeth whitening products for birds! The field is almost entirely unexplored! We’ll be rich!” Confused, I said, “But... birds don’t have teeth.” He then replied, “You misunderstand the nature of my research,” and proceeded to show me what he’d done to his volunteer test subjects... I’ll never forget the horror...

Illustration for article titled Birds without beaks
Photo: Me
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This fellow was coping with the change by exploring all that gnawing had to offer. Dang near chewed my ankle off.

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This young beakless couple was experimenting with all the kissing techniques their beaks had denied them. We have a no kink shaming policy, but regardless I felt too awkward to stick around.

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Photo: Me

This guy was distressed that he couldn’t figure out how to eat fruit anymore...

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Tyrone the robin had no idea his beak was gone, and we couldn’t convince him it was. He kept trying to eat by bonking his head on things. It was pitiful.

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Blue Jay was overjoyed. Last I checked, I think he was filing his teeth into points... I was too scared to ask why. So the moral of the story is: Never give money to mad bird scientists.

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