Breaking internet advertising news:

EQUUS AUTOMOTIVE, Inc., maker of as many as 20 whole cars, is now running a rather strange five minute YouTube ad that strongly resembles the first five minutes of a porno shot by the Petrolicious production crew. The ad features EQUUS’s $250,000 ‘68 Mustang look-a-like, which you’d think was just a weird restomod but is actually all new, called BASS770.

Petrolicious’s director’s porn-stached doppelgänger was clearly influenced by such renowned pieces of cinema as the original Wizard of Oz, as evident in the black and white opening seequence’s transition into a full color second act (the act 99% of the viewing audience will not see, having skipped the ad minutes ago), in which the entire EQUUS BASS770 is actually visible, and in which the actual action and entertainment occurs.

The crack team of targeted advertising experts at EQUUS AUTOMOTIVE, inc. are clearly at the top of their game, spending precious advertising dollars where it counts—the rollin’ in the dough demographic of people who watch videos on building RC airplanes out of dollar store foam board and hot glue.

Here is the entire ad, but if you can’t be bother to watch it, I have carefully outlined the key points below (trying not to spoil the gripping plot).

Things you will be able to do if you purchase/sit in/exist in the presence of the EQUUS BASS770, according to this advertisement:

Pretend to be Bruce Wayne during a traffic stop.

Be pretty in the passenger seat.

Check the fit of your tear-away cop costume in the mirror-finish deep gloss paint.

Own a Louis Vuitton bag, put it in the trunk.

Wonder why someone replaced your LS9 with a quilt.

Be American.

Have a badge that says EQUUS.

Go around corners in a ‘Classic American Muscle Car’ without falling over.

Terrify innocent road workers.

Hide in the shadows and look dramatic but also serene even though the guy driving the car thinks he’s Chris Harris.

Drive through the hood and try not to get car jacked.

Be an action movie stereotype.

Be angry at, about, or near an open car door.

Make tire smoke in front of private planes.