(AP) Gary, IN: Indiana Governor Mike Pence announced today in a press conference that he is and has been homosexual since 1983. "The "Religious Freedom" law is nothing less than the culmination of my life's work, a carefully crafted ruse to expose the misguided religious zealots and bigots in the Indiana State Legislature, and indeed around our otherwise great nation," he said, fighting back tears and embracing his long time companion and confidant, adult film star Magnus Applebottom.
Reaction to this announcement has been mixed. Televangelist Pat Robertson has gone on record as saying "All these years I've been wrong to judge others by their sexual orientation. This admission by the honorable Governor Pence has shaken me to my core, and I will now be carefully re-evaluating my belief system. I can only hope that the good people of the LGBT community will forgive my transgressions and accept my deepest apologies." Others were not so forthright in their assessment, with Indiana House Speaker Brian Bosma seen with his mouth agape, pale faced, shaking uncontrollably.
Governor Pence went on to elaborate on his plan to have those exposed as bigots by this legislation shamed publicly in the face of the voting public, and emphasized his goal of absolute equality for all human beings under the law. "It should be obvious that religious freedom also means freedom from religion and indeed from those who would misuse it for prejudice," the governor said, adding "there are good, open minded people of faith the world over, but unfortunately those in power in America tend to wield it as a cudgel to force those they disagree with to acquiesce, when in fact they are using it as a crutch for an otherwise untenable belief system."
In closing, Pence affirmed his Pastafari faith, in saying "to my detractors, I would encourage you to look to the teachings of His Noodliness, for in our Second Condiment of Pastarafianism, it is written, "I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others." "Take heed," the Governor said, "and equate your God with my own, for all of or without faith can come together as one, for the common good of humankind."
Donning a pasta strainer on the way to a waiting limousine, the Governor announced his candidacy for President in 2016.