Fremont, California: In a move that has shocked the Bay Area, and indeed the world, Tesla Founder and CEO Elon Musk has announced that, effective immediately, Tesla would no longer sell products to gay or bisexual men. In a statement to baffled reporters, Mr. Musk said that his decision was final, and that "the present environment around me and my company demands I take action."

When pressed for further comment on how such a seemingly progressive company in the California Bay Area, the heart of the LGBTQ+ rights movement, could institute such a policy, he said, "I'm not proud of this new policy, but this is the only way to keep men in their 20s and 30s from sucking my dick."