Johan DeGlockenspiel, president of Cadillac and founder of the recently defunct Cadillac ELR Fan Club, has just announced that the Cadillac brand will soon be moving their headquarters from New York City to Tallapoosa, Georgia. A small little Southern town located somewhere between civilization and Deliverance.

“We want our employees to create world class vehicles that will do as well in Main Street USA as they do in... ah... screw it. We just asked for the best tax package possible.”

General Motors, the parent of Cadillac, will be the first automaker in history that will have their employees pay them directly through a local payroll tax. dubbed ‘ The Cadillac Tax’.

Under the new program, white-collar employees of Cadillac will pay an additional 5% of their income to the UAW which will work in concert with a local staffing company, owned by General Motors, that will collect a full 30% of the employee’s wages. From there, 22% of the employee’s wages will go into a retirement fund and an extra 15% will be withheld to help defray future medical costs.

This will leave all Cadillac employees with a pre-tax income that is roughly 28% of their gross wages. Out of that amount, 12% will go towards federal taxes, 6% will go towards state taxes and 14.3% will go towards payroll taxes. The City of Tallapoosa will also charge a special tax based on the need to fund a local rideshare project that will feature approximately 17,000 leftover Cadillac XTS models.

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As Mr. DeGlockenspiel noted, “Our dealers don’t want any of these cars and all of the owners who bought one are either dead or in hospice care.”

In total, Cadillac is forecast to receive net tax subsidies that will range somewhere between $17.4 billion and what the locals in Tallapoosa call, “A rolling shitload!” GM stock is up 2.3% as of 12:15 P.M.