It’s already been turned into an excuse to squeeze in a three day weekened for Federal employers and employees. Washington’s Birthday is on the 22nd. Lincoln’s birthday is the 12th, and somehow people are celebrating Jefferson. His birthday is April 13th. He doesn’t even go here!

With Presidents’ Day always falling on the third Monday of February, we are always stuck with the Holiday for flowers, candy, and awkward dates being proceeded by the best time to buy new furniture. I’m sorry, but the time to buy a new couch or mattress is before Valentine’s Day, if you know what I mean.

My proposal, let’s move it to the Monday after Superbowl Sunday! It’s so obvious!! We celebrate with wings and beer on Sunday watching the only sport where Murica is always garaunteed to win, then the following day we gather together with brats and beers and talk about how great/shit the game was! Then we raise up our Made in Indonesia American Flags and say “God bless William Henry Harrison. Your time was brief, but your grandson Benny was pretty damn dope, bro.”

Plus, it’s so much easier to market Presidents’ Day with football than trying to do all your Valentine’s marketing and then be stuck with some random-ass red, white, and blue oven mitts and drink cozies on the bottom shelf. You’re welcome, America!