Alright, so I’m just going to edit this whoooooole post. Flipping the starter solenoid around did the trick.
Heh, funny how such a minor oopsie led to me getting this thing for cheap.
I found the VIN plate. The scooter may have been sold brand new at the end of 2012, however the scooter is a 2009. That means it sat for three years at some powersports dealership in Wisconsin not being bought. Can’t say I’m surprised, the dealer invoice (which came with the scooter) says the original owner paid $3k for it. Most dealerships only charged $2k for them.
Anyway, at some point the starter solenoid went out and whoever replaced it installed it backwards. And with the scooter now with power I can see how many miles it has. Its only traveled 851 miles in 9 years before the solenoid went.
I’ll get myself a new battery, new carb (the thing takes the same $20 carb as all my other scoots), then fill the tank with my gas/carb cleaner mix.