Hi Oppo, I’m not yet ready to return, though I did want you all to know that I’m in a relatively better situation.
My previous tenant decided to launch a witch hunt against me to find something she can sue me for. That made me start wanting to give up. It was hard enough dealing with the domestic abuser tenant, but now to have to fight three tenants and fear for my own safety and well-being on top of it? I wanted to give up, move out of the house, and let them win...
The line about ruining her life further broke me further.
After thinking about it, I’m inclined to believe that she’s right...I’m very not as good as a person as I try to be. I cheated on my girlfriend with a new friend and had the new friend sleep in our apartment that same night. Then I broke up with my girlfriend and eventually effectively left her for dead. All of the birthday presents that I have given her were stolen.
Then, I move in with who basically was my mistress, let her sell drugs out of fear, eventually grew a spine and ratted on her, then got her evicted (she wasn’t homeless, she was living next door). Now, I’m going to have to split this couple up and he’s likely going to go to jail for a very long time.
These are all people who had trusted me to keep their secrets/bonds. I broke the bond with my girlfriend, I didn’t keep the drug dealer’s activities a secret, and I spoke up against domestic violence. I crossed all of these people and their lives are worse off for knowing me. One of my motivations behind helping others is so they don’t have to live the daily life I live through. Though I’m not sure I’m very good at it. Even though my ex had forgiven me immediately, I still cannot find it in me to forgive myself. It takes a special kind of fucked up person to do what I did, even if our relationship was basically co-dependent.
I guess...I hate the idea that I’ve hurt someone...I hate myself for hurting someone.
After all that, I heard that the domestic abuser tenant would be released on Tuesday (yesterday) and would be coming back home. Oh yes, the violent man who stole from me would be back into my house and there was not a thing I could do about it.
The suicidal thoughts were swirling around my head and otherwise blocked my thoughts. I had what I guess was just short of a full emotional breakdown while at work.
I got home last night to find that the domestic abuser tenant was there, already breaking his probation after less than 24 hours. He and his girlfriend decided to do a hostile takeover of the house, citing that we had no right to meddle in their relationship to begin with...Well I mean, what did you expect? Did you really expect to have a tenant beat someone in my house on a daily basis, then you complaining to me on a daily basis, steal my money, him engaging in child porn on a daily basis, stalking children...and expect me to do...nothing?
(I never really mentioned, but their abusive relationship goes both ways. She manipulates him into doing bad things, hurting others, and that everyone’s trying to kill him. Of course, he beats her because he thinks he owns her.)
At any rate, I learned about his history. He has a history of homicidal events like loosening lug nuts on cars, trying to suffocate people in their sleep, forcing them to OD on pills, and so on.
The girlfriend was also manipulating my depression for her gain. See, she is addicted to cigarettes. She will steal stuff from Walmart then return it the next day to get more cigarettes. So, she twists my emotions and convinces me to buy her cigarettes lest I face further consequences.
We were trying to leverage his probation (which he was violating by being anywhere near her) by calling the cops, to which the girlfriend decided to move out and disappear. She intends to leave him with me for the remainder of his lease, if not longer. The courts said we can’t kick him out sooner than 30 days from now and I can’t get an OP against him without him threatening me.
Well, I don’t feel like taking a large drill bit to someone’s eyes (he doesn’t scare me), but I also am not in an emotional state to deal with this. There are times to stand your ground and there are times to just save yourself. I hate everything, my life has been a continual nightmare with small pockets of good times. I haven’t been sleeping this well, I’ve been too afraid of getting murdered, coming home to see my home on fire, more thefts, or vandalism.
Last night, I did that. I moved out of my house and sadly, back into my parents’ house. Somehow this is a better situation...it depresses me even more that living with my parents feels better than living in my own house...
A Psychiatrist once said that I suffer from severe situational depression. It may as well be chemical depression if all of the bad situations chain themselves together so that I have constant hardship. lol
So, I guess I’m going to sign off again. I’m safe, though I’m not really all that well. I will be better, I will be back...I have to, my story can’t end here. I can’t let depression win. Until then, happy holidays ♥