What is the sound of one piston slapping?
What is the sound of one piston slapping?

Last night while I was drunk I fell into a YouTube hole, looking for commercials of all the cars I’ve owned. Some of them were a bit hard to find; there’s a hilariously bad sales training video for the Chevy Celebrity, but not many actual commercials. Anyway, here they all are.

1. Pontiac Phoenix (1980 5-door, LJ, 2.0 4, 4-speed manual, got in 1991)

“Legendary symbol of excellence” Uh, NO.

2. Chevrolet Celebrity (1983 4-door sedan, 2.8 V6, 3-speed auto, got in March 1992)

WOW. Only 12.9% financing? WHERE DO I SIGN!? Seriously, though, this car was a warrior. My sister and I speak of it in hushed tones.

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3. Honda Civic CRX (1987, DX, 1.5 4, 4-speed auto, got in June 1993)

Mine had the flush-mounted headlamps that came about in 1986. My CRX was slow but fun. Fun fact, my mother and I both had Civics from this generation. Hers was an ‘86 base model hatch with a 4-speed manual. I learned to drive on that car. She loved that little bugger.

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4. Mercury Sable (1991, Sedan LS, 3.0 V6, 4-speed auto, got in November 1995)

My sister totaled it in an accident. The airbag no doubt kept her from being hurt.

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5. Chevrolet Sprint (1987 base 5-door hatch, 1.0 3-cyl., 5-speed manual, got in spring 1996)

I loved this car. I should have fixed the clutch instead of trading it in. I was young and stupid.

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6. Volkswagen Rabbit (1981, LS, 3-door hatch, 1.7 4-cyl, 4-speed manual, got in February 1997)

Bought for $500, had for 2 months. Sold for $250. I think I got my money’s worth.

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7. Acura Integra (1987, RS 3-door hatch, 1.6 DOHC 4-cyl, 4-speed auto, got in spring 1998)

AWFUL CAR. It was a total POS. I hated it. (My comments are for my specific Integra. I think I bought the only shitty Honda ever made.)

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8. Chevrolet Sprint (1988, LOADED 5-door hatch, 1.0 3-cyl., 5-speed manual, got in November 1998)

It wasn’t as good as the ‘87. Also it threw a rod and to this day is the only car that has ever left me stranded somewhere. Specifically, 10 miles north of Walsenburg, CO on the day after Christmas 1998.

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9. Geo Prizm (1993, LSi, 1.8 4-cyl., 5-speed manual, got in February 2000)

Maybe the most underrated car I’ve owned. It was great in every way. Very crashworthy. Helped me out of financial calamity.

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10. Oldsmobile Alero (2001, GL2, 2.4 4-cyl., 4-speed auto, got in December 2001)

The 2nd most underrated car I’ve owned. These were great-handling cars, no joke. The 4-speed auto wasn’t that great though. It lasted well over 200k.

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11. Volkswagen Passat (1991, GL 4-door sedan, 2.0 4-cyl, 5-speed, got in February 2004)

It had 212k miles on the clock when I bought it. Lasted way longer than it should have. First car I had with a sunroof.

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12. Hyundai Accent (2001, L, 3-door hatch, 1.5 4-cyl, 5-speed manual, got in March 2005)

I used it as a courier vehicle, put 110k on it in a year and a half. Hyundai hadn’t quite figured out how to make a reliable car yet.

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13. Buick LeSabre (1998, Custom, 3.8 Series II V6, 4-speed auto, got in November 2006)

I think a Circuit City stereo install fucked this car up. I had all kinds of electrical problems that couldn’t be fixed.

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14. Dodge Caravan (2005, SWB SXT, 2.4 4-cyl, 4-speed auto, got in fall 2007)

Near as I can tell, there are no commercials that feature the non-Grand Caravan. Also, I did not have Stow-N-Go. Also, I willingly bought a minivan as a single man, and by the time I got rid of it I wasn’t single anymore. Minivans aren’t the stigma everyone thinks they are. Long story short, it ate its torque converter.

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15. Ford Ranger (2009, XL, 6' bed, 2.3 4-cyl., 5-speed manual, got in June 2009)

This is the only Ranger ad I could find newer than 2003. The first vehicle my husband and I bought together, as my Caravan was committing suicide. I have to rank it #1. I should never have gotten rid of it. And it died in FLORIDA of all places.

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16. Fiat 500 (2012, Sport, 1.4 MultiAir, 5-speed, got in January 2014)

Fun car. 101 hp isn’t much, but it’s enough to make it flingable. And I had NO MECHANICAL ISSUES. (Fit and finish is, well, they tried real hard.) These things are cheap now. Get one and have fun. Seriously. Don’t be afraid.

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17. Kia Optima (2013, LX, 2.4 4-cyl., 6-speed auto, got in August 2015)

I got it because my husband hated riding in the Fiat. The Optima was good but mostly unremarkable. Then it saved my life in a car accident where I nailed someone at 45 mph after they made an illegal turn. Gap coverage saved my finances. To this day I sometimes find myself missing it. A coworker bought one on my recommendation. Oh, and did I mention I found that someone bought it at salvage and rebuilt it? So, it’s still plugging along somewhere in Utah. (FYI there was zero frame damage.)

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18. Nissan Cube (2012, S+, 1.8 4.cyl, 6-speed manual, got in October 2018)

I liked it at first. Then I really started to notice it had absolutely NO personality. So numb. People say the Camry is an appliance, but no. THIS was an appliance. I got rid of it 6 months after buying it.

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19. Ford F-150 (2008, XL, SuperCab, 4.6 V8, 4-speed auto, got in April 2019)

Found a cheap 2008 2WD F-150 that was in amazing shape, and jumped on it. It may be slow, but at least it gets shitty MPG too. Actually, I don’t care. I drive less than 10k per year on my personal vehicles now, so I get gas in this truck MAYBE once a month. I can’t explain why I love it, but I love it. It’s got rubber floors, manual crank windows, several weird stains on the front jump seat’s seat belt, it smells like cigars (that’s my fault), and the white paint is just about to start coming off in sheets, but I love it anyway,

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