Illustration for article titled Congratulations!

You just scored a job as the head of transportation for the USA! Your word is law, you may enact any changes you desire in the areas of transportation and automobile-related infrastructure. Hold on, not so fast! There’s a catch...


After your favorite American sitcom was canceled years ago, you’ve harbored a seething rage towards the good ol’ United States.

How dare they!” you think to yourself, “who in their right mind would cancel Firefly?!”


Growing progressively more and more bitter as time passes, you hatch a devious plan... FOR REVENGE. All your years of planning, all your years of hardwork have finally paid off, and you can hit America where it hurts.

As the head of transportation your word is law, you may enact whatever changes you so desire. These changes though... Have to be for the worse. So what would you do, to screw things up?


Personally, I think replacing all highway onramps with 4-way intersections would be a WONDERFUL way to get back at all those dirty, good-fer-nothin Americans! If you thought zipper merging was bad, just wait until you have to experience the “interstate traffic light system”.

Now, I know what you’re thinking—

“we can’t let the bastards that canceled Stargate Universe go free with nothing more than a slap on the wrist! Interstate traffic lights? Take off the kiddie gloves and get serious!”


Okay, okay. I was holding back a bit but clearly we need to get serious.

As Head of Transportation I propose that from this day forward all vehicles be equipped or retrofitted with a device that beeps constantly when driving, to remind both the driver and passengers to remove their seat belts when they have reached their destination and are ready to depart the vehicle. The beeps will be both loud, and random. The system will hook into the stereo in order to auto adjust if anyone trys to turn the volume up. Patterns breed familiarity, familiarity breeds comfort, and the idea is to keep drivers as uncomfortable as possible in order to curtail the growing number of issues caused by this major problem.


Also, there’s a siren.

Your turn, sir. Give ‘em hell.

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