It wasn’t a sticking throttle cable. Problem came back an hour later, went away after sitting for a while, then came back half an hour later. My dad ended up driving out half a hour to meet me and escorted me to his house (my intended destination) with no further issues.
Since my last post I have gotten an additional code (P1580 that translates as “Throttle valve mechanically stuck”. We pulled the i take apart and found the throttle body valve had a heavy carbon ring. We cleaned it up nice and shiny and... the problem persists. Fuck.
Both the valve and cable move freely so there’s something fucky going on. I hope to dear god it’s not a dead throttle body. That’s not exactly an off-the-shelf part at NAPA. I’ve had to cancel the second hlf of my vcation ad now I have until the end of the week to get this fixed and make it 200 miles home.